World News Bureau

Clinton Rebukes Trump - "Reward Abortions"

NEW YORK (WNB) - Hillary Clinton took advantage of Donald Trump's interview miscue by saying women who elect to get abortions should not be punished as Trump said, but rewarded.

"Mr. Trump's comments calling for punishment of women who get an abortion shows just how much he hates women. Considering every abortion means less educational cost for society as well as less global warming for our planet, I believe we should reward women for terminating their pregnancies. I'm thinking maybe $500 or something along those lines."

Trump responded to Clinton's comments by noting that his statement was in the context of abortion being illegal and adding that the only women he would ever consider rewarding for aborting their child would be Clinton. "Look, we know that Hillary supposedly had more than one abortion, then for some reason decides to have Hubbell's kid. Good God, look how that turned out - yeah, I'd pay to stop something like that from happening again."

 

Webster Hubbell, Chelsea Clinton

 

Kim Jong Un Clarifies Famine Diet

PYONGYANG, Democratic People's Republic Of Korea (WNB) - Apparently acting in response to international condemnation, North Korean president Kim Jong "clarified" his earlier warning for his citizens to expect famine and prepare to eat plant roots to survive.

"The need to chew plant roots is only for those who do not desire to eat filet mignon steaks, U.S. Maine lobster, barbecue spareribs, Honey Baked ham, or roast suckling pig. All citizens are allowed to eat as much of these foods as they like, as well as the desserts cheesecake, hot fudge sundaes, and chocolate chip cookies. Of course, appropriate wine pairings are not only acceptable but recommended," Jong un said in a nationwide radio broadcast on Wednesday.

The average North Korean makes the equivalent of three dollars a month.

 

Kim Jong un displays food option in time of famine

 

Terror Attacks Sweeping U.S. Campuses

CLAREMONT, California (WNB) - A Southern California liberal arts college is the latest to report a terror attack that has one female student fighting for her emotional life and dozens more severely traumatized.  

In a university-wide email sent Saturday, Scripps College student body president Miso Hoeni reported, "This morning, a Mexican-American Scripps student woke up to find her whiteboard vandalized with the phrase '#Trump2016.' The attack has left her emotionally paralyzed, and many others frightened to the point of being uncomfortable."

This latest incident comes in the wake of a similar unprovoked terrorist attack on students at Emory University that left hundreds of students "dazed, disoriented, and scared" after waking to find "#trump2016" scrawled in chalk on sidewalks throughout the campus. Emergency safe rooms were established but days later, nearly a hundred students are still too frightened to venture outside. "It was bad. Real bad," said 19-year-old Wendy Burgher who is still struggling to find the courage to walk on any sidewalk.

Reports indicate similar attacks have taken place at nearly 50 institutes of higher learning, prompting requests for an increased police presence. "We need to do something before someone gets killed," said one university administrator.

 

Terrorized Scripps student

 

Trump Agrees With Pope: Fight ISIS With Weapons Of Love

NEW YORK (WNB) - In a surprising move, Donald Trump said that he agrees with Pope Francis' Easter message of using "weapons of love" to combat ISIS and their fellow Muslim jihadists.

Mr. Trump told reporters Monday, "Look, the Pope is a good guy even if he does wear dresses and too much jewelry. I have no problem using weapons of love against ISIS. In fact, if I'm elected president I vow to love them to death - each and every one of them. I will make absolutely sure that every bullet, bomb, and missile is adorned with the phrase "we love you." I'll pay for it out of my own pocket."

A Vatican spokesman called Mr. Trump's assurance "not even close to what Pope Francis had in mind."

 

Trump "weapon of love" courtesy Trump For President 2016

 

Candidates Celebrate Easter Weekend

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - The presidential candidates from both parties are are suspending their campaigns to observe Easter weekend. Their answers when asked how they were going to celebrate this holiest time of year for Christians:

Hillary Clinton: Well, Easter is, of course, the most solemn event of the year for me. As for my plans, I guess Bill has some kind of important meeting somewhere, so I plan to reflect on God while going over some things with my assistant at a spa in the Bahamas. 

Bernie Sanders: Easter? I'm sure I'll throw a prayer up to whoever and maybe eat a fish.

Ted Cruz: I'll spend the weekend with my family and attend several church services giving thanks to our Savior.

John Kasich: Our family will attend church services and enjoy a dinner with relatives at our house.

Donald Trump: Well, Easter is, of course, the most solemn event of the year for me. I mean, why shouldn't it be - Jesus parting the sea and feeding tons of people with just one shrimp and all. It's very special for me. As for my plans, I'll be meditating while Melania gives me a hot oil message without using her hands - talk about Heaven - you have no idea! Ted can only dream, am I right? I mean, really, Heidi? Jesus Christ, I'm turning homo just picturing it. 

 

 

Tango, Trannies, And Tragedy: Obamas Party In Argentina

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina (WNB) -While the world mourned the terrorist attacks in Belgium, President Obama and First Lady Michelle wined, dined, and danced at an opulent affair in Argentina.

The highlight of the evening was when the President was invited out onto the dance floor by an Argentinian tango performer shimmering in a silver dress. At first declining, the President relented when he appeared to realize that the dancer was transgendered. Meanwhile, the 52-year-old leading lady sparkled in a lavender cocktail dress adorned with crystal embellishments as she took the hand of another male tango dancer and tried her hand at the centuries-old style. 

While the President gave a passable performance, First Lady Michelle was a little out of sync, inadvertently breaking several bones in her partner's foot. Now-former national dance champion Geraldo Ferrera gracefully downplayed the incident, blaming the accident on his "tiny, weak feet."

Despite the accident, the evening was an unqualified success.

 

Trannies and tragedy: Obamas Tango in Argentina

 

Raul Castro: Obama Too Radical For Me

HAVANA, Cuba (WNB) - In the wake of President Obama's historic visit, Cuban president Raul Castro told reporters that he was "glad to see him leave."

Shortly after he Obamas left for Argentina, the Cuban leader told reporters that the last three days had been "excruciating," calling President Obama's climate change views "crazy" and questioning how Americans could be "so stupid as to vote for someone who embraces homosexuals marrying and the mass murder of unborn boys and girls."

Castro's criticism didn't stop with Barack, saying that even "$5,000 outfits" did little to make First Lady Michelle "less frightening." The Cuban leader summed up his opinion of the American president by saying, "President Obama is way too radical for me. He scares me almost as much as his wife."

 

 

Obama: Wrong To Assume Brussels Attackers Muslim

HAVANA (WNB) - President Obama took time out of his Cuban vacation Tuesday to react to the terrorist attack that killed dozens and injured over 100 in Brussels, Belgium by cautioning against assuming the attackers were Muslim.

"Blaming this attack on individuals of a particular faith such as Islam is almost as bad as the attack itself," said Obama. "This incident could just as much be domestic terrorism by zealous conservative fanatics like we've seen in our own country or simply workplace violence. Justice is not served by the groundless impugning of a peaceful religion practiced by nearly 2 billion people."

President Obama made the remarks while touring the Che Guevara memorial with his family (below).

 

 

Obama Celebrates Cuba "Homecoming"

HAVANA, Cuba (WNB) - After being shunned at the airport upon his arrival, President Obama finally met with Cuban president Raul Castro on Monday - the first meeting between the two countries' heads in nearly fifty years.

Obama exclaimed, "I feel like I've come home," as he posed with Castro outside of the palace in Havana's sprawling Revolution Square in front of a giant sculpture of Ernesto "Che" Guevara. The two men then met privately (below) for over an hour, as Obama presumably sought to atone for decades of American distrust toward the brutal communist dictatorship.

As the two leaders bonded, mass protests by Cubans who escaped Castro's murderous regime took place in Florida.

 

 

Bernie Sanders Targets Democratic Arizona Voters

TORTILLA, Arizona (WNB) - Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders played to his base in Arizona Friday with a rousing speech focused on amnesty for illegal immigrants and vastly expanded welfare, should he be elected.

 

 

 

Obama: Head Baby Killer "Real Life Super Hero"

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Obama celebrated Women's History Month at the White House Wednesday by recognizing what he called "real life superheroes."

As part of the theme, Sana Amanat, creator of the "Ms. Marvel" comic book, introduced Obama at the event.

Leading the President's list was Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards. "First of all, we’ve got Cecile Richards in the house, and I know most women are thankful for her organization's work. Not so sure if the millions of babies she's defeated would agree, but hey, they're not here to complain, thank God - hahahaha," said Obama.

 

 

Planned Parenthood's baby slaughtering superhero, Cecile Richards

 

Outrage After Another Trevon Killed In Miami

MIAMI, Florida (WNB) - The black community in Miami is outraged after a female homeowner shot and killed 17-year-old Trevon Johnson during a confrontation after he burglarized her home. The 54-year-old homeowner was alerted to the burglary by security cameras installed after several prior break-ins. 

Johnson's relatives have decried the killing as being "outside the law," telling reporters, "You have to understand … how he gonna get his money to have clothes to go to school? You have to look at it from his point of view."

A local community activist described Trevon as a "good boy who din do nuffin" and encouraged people to purchase $45 tee shirts honoring him (below).

 

 

Hillary Excitement Reaching Fever Pitch

 

Hillary Accosts Bush At Reagan Funeral

SIMI VALLEY, California (WNB) - Things got ugly at the funeral for Nancy Reagan on Friday when members of the two most powerful families in American politics nearly came to blows.

Sources say the incident happened after the service when Hillary Clinton approached George Bush and the two exchanged pleasantries and a friendly embrace. Witnesses say that's when a possibly inebriated Clinton allegedly attempted to "fondle" the ex-president who retaliated by throwing  a cup of coffee he was holding at Clinton's face.

Bystanders separated the two amid a flurry of obscenities from Clinton as Bush reportedly rushed to shower at a nearby hotel.

 

 

"Desperate" Hillary Attempts To Connect With Youth

NEW YORK (WNB) - In what even some Democrats are calling a desperate and ill-advised attempt to connect with the youth vote, Hillary posted her own version of Kim Kardashian's recent nude selfie Thursday night (below).

"I don't know if this was the right move," said one Democrat Senator. "I saw this yesterday and frankly I wasn't able to sleep last night." 

Republicans are having a field day at Clinton's expense, roundly condemning the stunt on social media. Donald Trump tweeted Friday morning, "And people wonder why so many guys today are suddenly turning into homos. I mean, come on."

While most of the response was negative, not everyone was critical of Clintons media grab. DNC head Debbie Wasserman Schultz applauded the stunt. "I think it shows that Hillary is very much with the times and proud to be a vibrant, intelligent woman not afraid to put herself out there."

 

Hillary posts "Kim Kardashian" selfie

 

DNC Accuses Fox News Of "Video Sabotage"

WASHINGON (WNB) - The Democratic National Committee (DNC) is threatening to sue Fox News for allegedly portraying their leadership in an unflattering manner. The potential lawsuit is over a recent split screen interview between Fox's Megyn Kelly and DNC head Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

"Fox's attempt to cast DNC leadership in a negative fashion amounts to nothing less than video sabotage," said a spokesman for the DNC. Fox adamantly denied doing anything wrong, insisting that they can't be held responsible for the "uncomfortable visual tension" produced by the pairing. 

 

 

Kim Jong Un Photo Rattles S. Korea, U.S.

PYONGYANG, DPRK (WNB) - North Korea published a shocking photo (below) on Wednesday of leader Kim Jong Un manning what they say is their new miniaturized nuclear missile. The story accompanying the photo quotes the portly dictator threatening the U.S. and South Korea with a preemptive nuclear strike unless the two countries cease their joint military maneuvers presently under way. 

The Pentagon called the image "sobering" while South Korea put its armed forces on emergency alert. "This is the first concrete proof we've had that North Korea has actually been able to miniaturize their nuclear weapons," said General James Torgenson. "It's a game changer, of that there's no doubt." Even Russia, long seen as friendly toward the North, warned Jong Un that the overt threat of nuclear destruction could possibly give license to the international community to bring military action against his country.

This new escalation by North Korea is the latest example of the impoverished and isolated country's ability to undermine the security of Asia, and possibly beyond.

 

Game changer: North Korean leader Kim Jong Un mans new nuclear missile

 

Lena Dunham Hospitalized

TORONTO, Canada (WNB) - Actress, faux rape accuser, incest child sexual abuser, and abortion advocate Lena Dunham was hospitalized Sunday with a ruptured ovarian cyst. According to sources, the star of HBO's "Girls" has had a long history of maladies associated with her panty hamster including cootchie cancors, clam rot, type 2 merkin mold, labia lice, and stage 4 mutating tuna cooter.

The chubby celebrity is expected to make a full recovery after a successful surgery on the cyst which according to one hospital worker appeared to have been ruptured by what he described as an "inexpensive table lamp." On a lighter note, a 20-year mystery was solved when doctors presented Dunham with the mummified remains of her childhood pet ferret, "Buttons."

If all goes well, Dunham should be released within several days to go home.

 

 

 

It's On: Clinton, Trump Trade Insults

FLINT, Michigan (WNB) - In a likely preview of the months to come, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton took a shot at Donald Trump on social media Sunday night. As expected, Mr. Trump's response was swift and to the point:

Mrs. Clinton: Donald Trump can not stop talking about his manhood. Me doth think the man protest too much, if you know what I mean :-)

Mr. Trump: I'm not surprised that Hillary is suddenly talking about my junk - she's obviously fascinated by something she probably hasn't seen for decades.

Mrs. Clinton: As usual, Mr. Trump resorts to vulgar and childish taunts, which I will not dignify with a response.

Mr. Trump: You know, Hillary, you would be getting plenty if you were a casual business acquaintance of your husband. Of course it wouldn't be by choice.

Mrs. Clinton: Your comments are beneath me.

Mr. Trump: No, I'm pretty sure that's Huma.

Mrs. Clinton: This conversation is finished.

Mr. Trump: I saw you coughed up another hairball tonight during the debate. I'm sending Huma a membership to Dollar Shave Club - they're fantastic.

Mrs. Clinton: I'm done.

Mr. Trump: Hey look, you CAN tell the truth. Congratulations, I know that was probably hard for you. 

 

 

GOP Trump Penis Smear?

 

 

   THIS STORY RATED R FOR ADULT SUBJECT MATTER

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Political pundits are questioning who anonymously released a candid photo allegedly of Donald Trump's penis on Friday. 

The image may have been posted in an attempt to embarrass the candidate and follows Marco Rubio's recent comments inferring Trump possesses diminutive genitals because he has "small hands." Rubio's campaign was quick to deny they had anything to do with the photo: "While this image appears to definitively answer some questions, we had absolutely nothing to do with its release."

The most likely source of the photo appears to be the GOP itself, as the organization has been increasing its efforts behind the scenes to delegitimize Trump in favor of Rubio. "Oh yeah, this has the GOP's fingerprints all over it," said Fox News host Bill O'Reilly.