World News Bureau

Hillary "Woman Card" Implicated In Peeping Incidents

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - What started out as a campaign novelty for Hillary Clinton has turned into a nightmare for a number of businesses and law enforcement across the country.

In an attempt to connect with female voters, the Clinton for America website has been giving out a free "Woman Card" (below) to anyone requesting one. Unfortunately, it turns out that many of the cards have ended up in the hands of men who are using them to gain access to women's bathrooms and changing rooms. "We're seeing a sharp increase in the number of men peeping and photographing women and girls in female bathrooms and fitting rooms. They're flashing these cards to gain access - it's a mess," said Phoenix Police Dept. spokesman, Capt. Mike Ortiz.

The Clinton campaign defended men using the card, calling it "a passport to LGBT equality."

 

 

Jeb Bush, Chris Christi, Ben Carson Announce Vice Presidents

WASHINGTON (WNB) - On the heels of Ted Cruz's announcement that Carly Fiorina will be his vice presidential running mate, Jeb Bush, Chris Christi, and Ben Carson on Thursday each announced their vice presidential choices should they be nominated.

Bush told a small gathering in Miami that his choice for vice president is Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Shortly afterward, New Jersey Governor Chris Christi issued a press release announcing he had picked former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum to be his running mate, as Dr. Ben Carson Tweeted he had chosen Mike Huckabee for VP, should he win the nomination.

Frontrunner Donald Trump dismissed the announcements, saying, "Between Cruz and the rest of them, I'd say Christi has the best chance."

 

 

Conservative Speaker Prompts Liberal Madness

AMHERST, Massachusetts (WNB) - Liberal protesters went crazy Monday night as Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos, comedian Steven Crowder, and former philosophy professor Christina Hoff Sommers appeared at the University of Massachesetts.

During the event held in the University’s sizable Bowker Auditorium, triggered youth in the audience screamed, yelled, gave the finger, and in some cases, suffered total mental meltdowns (below).

 

 

 

Lena Dunham Comes Out For Trump

LOS ANGELES (WNB) - "Girls" star Lena Dunham has apparently thrown her considerable weight behind Donald Trump, saying she will move to Canada if the New York tycoon is elected president.

"I don't know what to say, I thought this heffalump hated me," said Trump. "Regardless, I'll take the millions of votes that her statement will undoubtedly provide. I promise to send a truckload of canned hams to her new home in Canada when I'm elected president." 

Dunham had been actively campaigning for Hillary Clinton when not tirelessly promoting the mass slaughter of unborn children on behalf of Planned Parenthood.

 

Lena Dunham from a scene in HBO's "Girls"

 

Merkel Attacked While Visiting Refugee Camp

FETID-K'HATBOCS, Turkey (WNB) - German Chancellor Angela Merkel's visit to a refugee camp on the Turkish-Syrian border Saturday was cut short after she was reportedly molested while shaking hands in a crowd.

According to sources, Mrs. Merkel was meeting with Syrian refugees at the Nizap camp, a sprawling complex 30 miles east of the Turkish city of Zhithole, when she was "fondled and groped" by dozens of boys and young men before her security detail could pull her from the mob. Afterward, a shaken but unharmed Merkel was photographed calmly smoking a cigarette while aides recovered articles of her clothing (below).

 

 

 

 

Hillary Eulogizes Prince

NEW YORK (WNB) - Hillary Clinton recounts her fondness for Prince during a radio show call-in, below.

 

 

 

 

Treasury Unveils Tubman $20 Bill

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The United States Treasury on Thursday unveiled the final design for the new $20 bill featuring abolitionist Harriet Tubman. 

"In order to present this wonderful lady in the best possible light, the decision was made to portray Mrs. Tubman in her prime," said Treasury spokesman Martha Johnson. "Not only was she a strong woman, but very beautiful, too."

The new bill is expected to go into circulation in early 2017.

 

Final design for new $20 bill featuring Harriet Tubman

 

Democrats Dream Of Perfect Candidate

NEW YORK (WNB) - Like their Republican counterparts, Democrats are growing increasingly frustrated with their choices for presidential nominee.

With an ancient and demented self-avowed socialist/communist on one side and a rapidly decomposing, lying career politician with the voice of a banshee on the other, Democratic voters find themselves wishing for a combination of the two.

Now, a New York political think tank has visualized that candidate by scientifically creating the offspring of a Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton union (below).

 

Bernie + Hillary = perfect Democratic candidate

 

Hillary Goes For The Youth Vote

NEW YORK (WNB) - In what appeared to be a desperate attempt to appeal to young voters, Hillary Clinton danced hip hop with inner city representatives at a Washington Heights campaign stop.

The elder politician has been polling poorly with voters under 30 - a demographic dominated by her rival, Bernie Sanders. The hip-hop dancing is the latest ploy to somehow connect with them, although judging by comments of many in the audience, Clinton's performance may have done more harm than good. "Oh my God, she looked like somebody's drunk great grandmother having a seizure," said one woman.

 

 

 

Sanders Slams Hillary In NY

NEW YORK (WNB) - Bernie Sanders drew massive crowds over the weekend as New Yorkers turned out to support the surging candidate.

Continuing his no-holds-barred attack on his adversary, Sanders criticized Hillary Clinton on everything from her supporting the Iraq war, to her physical appearance and dress (below).

 

 

 

Clinton, Sanders Debate Takes Nasty Turn

 

 

 

Black Community Outraged Over Police Shooting

CHICAGO, Illinois (WNB) - Racial tensions are high in Chicago as hundreds of angry residents took to the streets Tuesday night holding photos of a Chicago youth (below, left) that was gunned down by police for no apparent reason.

16-year-old Pierre Loury died at an area hospital on Monday after police say he pointed what appears to be the same gun he's pictured holding (below, right) at officers during a foot chase after bailing from a vehicle that had been involved in an earlier shooting. Relatives and friends say that is impossible, claiming Loury was an upstanding youth who loved sports and would never own a gun. "He was a good boy - he didn't do nothing," said a relative.

Local resident LaQuashanté Walker said she witnessed the shooting, claiming Loury was peacefully walking on the sidewalk reading the Bible when a police officer suddenly ran up behind him screaming, "Die, you dirty n*gger!" then shot him. Another witness said he saw several police officers laughing while they urinated on the dying youth before he was transported to the hospital. 

Authorities expect more protests as Michael Moore, "Rev." Al Sharpton, and other activists likely converge on the Windy City over the next several days.

 

Pierre Loury: "Good boy who loved sports"

 

Clinton Angered Over Leaked Videos

NEW YORK (WNB) - Sources say that an outraged Hillary Clinton is threatening to sue whoever is responsible for posting behind-the-scenes videos of her recording a spot celebrating the one year anniversary of her campaign. 

One video appears to feature a director coaching Clinton while another contains what sounds to be comments from the control room.

Clinton's campaign manager is reportedly blaming Bernie Sanders for the leak. "It's got his commie fingerprints all over it."

 

 

 

 

Mayor DeBlasio, Hillary Yuk It Up

NEW YORK (WNB) - Hillary Clinton earned the endorsement of New York Mayor Tom DeBlasio on Saturday night during a charity event. After receiving a special gift from the mayor, Clinton poked fun at the email investigation she's been embroiled in (below).

 

 

 

 

Hillary Meets Subway

NEW YORK (WNB) - Hillary Clinton is being widely panned for apparently having no idea how to access a New York subway.

In what was supposed to portray the former state senator as a "regular person in touch with everyday New Yorkers," the video shows an increasingly frustrated Clinton repeatedly rubbing her Metrocard along the top of the railing, versus using the slot (below). 

 

 

 

New Hillary Campaign Failing

NEW YORK (WNB) - A new campaign promoting Hillary Clinton has become a target for derision by her opponents. The effort was taken from the "#hillarysoqualified" Twitter campaign started by a supporter and was intended to reinforce Clinton's recent remarks that she is the only Democratic candidate qualified to be president. Her statement has ignited a war of words with challenger Bernie Sanders.

Unfortunately, the Clinton campaign was unprepared for the ridicule the tagline would provoke as thousands took to the Twitter page lampooning the former Secretary of State's long history of personal and political failure. "The fact she did not foresee this response speaks volumes," said one fellow Democrat. "God help us, she sucks."

Adding to the disaster are the free bumper stickers offered on Clinton's websites (below). Reportedly, the Sanders campaign has ordered thousands for use in their surging effort to beat Clinton for the nomination.

 

 

Bernie Trumps Hillary

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (WNB) - The gloves came off Thursday when Bernie Sanders hit back at Hillary Clinton for her earlier statement calling Sanders "unqualified" to be president. Departing from what had been a fairly civil tone towards his opponent, the self-avowed socialist/communist went for the jugular in a scathing Trump-like attack:

 

 

 

 

Hillary Caught On Hot MIc

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania (WNB) - Thanks to a "hot" mic, Hillary Clinton was caught in an embarrassing conversation with an unknown supporter at a campaign stop Wednesday morning. The exchange appeared to verify rumors that have surrounded Mrs. Clinton for years:

 

 

 

 

California Raises Minimum Wage To $15

LOS ANGELES, California (WNB) - California Governor Jerry Brown signed legislation on Monday that raises the statewide minimum wage to $15-per-hour, the highest in the country. "Economically, this move makes absolutely no sense," said Brown, according to the Sacramento Bee. "But I guess to those who voted for me it somehow does, so I'm signing it. The state's going down the crapper anyway."

In possibly related news, one of the world's largest robotics firms announced Monday afternoon that they intend to build a massive manufacturing and distribution plant in California. China's Jhangtin Automated Technologies Co. is the world's largest producer of automated food preparation and service bots with annual sales of over $10.3 billion. The company said they plan to import 300,000 units into the state until the plant goes online in early 2018.

 

 

Clinton: I Didn't Mean To Call Item In Pregnant Woman A Person

NEW YORK (WNB) - In an effort to defuse criticism from pro-life and pro-death abortion camps, Hillary Clinton issued a statement Monday morning saying she misspoke when referring to an unborn child as an "unborn person."

"Unfortunately, I misspoke when answering a question recently concerning pregnancy. Having been pregnant myself, I know that there is no way for a woman to know what is inside of her until it is removed and carefully examined. It could be a toaster or a puppy for all one knows - referring to it as anything specifically is a mistake." said the statement.

A Planned Parenthood representative applauded Clinton's retraction, noting that the average person is over 5'6" tall and weighs 143 pounds - making it impossible for them to be carried inside most women.

A pro-choice advocate responded by saying "Chelsea is the ugliest toaster we've ever seen."