World News Bureau

Pentagon Introduces New Gender ID System

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The Obama administration announced on Wednesday a new gender identification system to facilitate full LGBT integration into the military.

The system consists of a new insignia identification system that displays the soldier's actual gender as well as the gender they identify with. For medical purposes, new insignia will also display specific genitalia and breast information to aid in the proper treatment of battlefield injuries. "For example, we've got to know if this injured transgender soldier was supposed to have a penis," said a Pentagon spokesperson. "It's about saving lives."

The administration is working quickly to complete the restructuring of what remains of the nation's military before elections in November.

 

UN: Terrorists Building "Army Of Intelligent Killer Robots"

NEW YORK (WNB) - A newly published research paper by the United Nations claims terrorists are building an army of "Lethal Autonomous Weapons Systems" (LAWS) which are capable of killing without needing to have a human at the controls.

"Soon terrorist groups such as ISIS will have vast armies of Terminator-like killer robots with the ability to kill thousands. Liquid metal models such as the T-1000 from Terminator 2 could kill millions," said a senior UN military analyst from Bungo Bungo, Ghana. 

To back its claim, the UN report includes a shocking photo of an actual ISIS killer robot undergoing testing in a clandestine weapons lab somewhere in Syria (below).

 

 

Secret Service Agent: Seeing Hillary Naked Turned Me Gay

NEW YORK (WNB) - A former Secret Service agent who worked in the Clinton White House claims Hillary Clinton was an evil, angry, foul-mouthed woman who inflicted mental and even physical misery on those around her.

Gary Byrne, author of the new book “Crisis of Character" told Fox News host Sean Hannity that being around Hillary was a "nightmare," as she regularly verbally assaulted himself and fellow agents - even throwing a Bible at one. The ex-agent also recounted incidents of Mrs. Clinton cursing and physically assaulting her husband on more than one occasion.

As bad as those experiences were, Byrne said his worst moment came when he accidently saw a nearly nude Mrs. Clinton going to a guest bedroom in the middle of the night after a particularly nasty fight with Bill. The incident occurred around the time the Monica Lewinsky story broke.

"What I saw affected me so strongly, that women - even my own attractive wife - simply repulsed me. I couldn't get that picture out of my mind. I actually became temporarily gay before finally undergoing hypnosis to help erase the memory. I totally understand Bill now."

 

 

Poll: Give ISIS A Pass On San Francisco For Not Attacking Vegas

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - A new poll addressing a recent ISIS threat to destroy San Francisco and Las Vegas surprisingly shows that most Americans are willing to trade one for the other.

The Farnum Poll posted today asked 3500 voting age Americans across the country how the threat should be handled. Outside of California, the vast majority of respondents said the US should allow ISIS to irradicate San Francisco in return for their assurance that Las Vegas be spared (below).

  

 

Democrat Sit-In Trashed House Chambers

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Speaker of the House Paul Ryan on Friday said Democrats participating in the House sit-in this week will be billed for the cost of cleaning up the mess they left behind. 

A photo (below) of the House chambers showed the floor littered with empty beer and liquor bottles, discarded condoms, articles of underwear, cigarette butts, various items of drug paraphernalia, assorted sex aids, and countless urine, feces, and vomit stains. Unsubstantiated reports also claim an aborted fetus was found among the rubbish.

"These people are disgusting animals, and the taxpayers aren't going to pay to clean up their mess," Ryan told reporters. 

 

Aftermath of House chambers Democrat sit-in

 

BREXIT, Baby.

 

Queen Elizabeth: "Hey EU..."

 

Atty Gen. Lynch: Orlando Jihadi's Motives Forever Unknown

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Attorney General Loretta Lynch said Tuesday that the motives for Orlando mass-murderer Omar Mateen "may never be known."

"Federal investigators are still uncertain as to what drove Mateen to violence, although obvious factors were the unchecked availability of guns as well as recent exclusionary immigration comments made by conservative candidates," she said, according to the Associated Press.

Incredibly, Lynch's comments came just after the Dept. of Justice was shamed into finally releasing uncensored transcripts of Mateen's conversations with hostage negotiators where he claimed to be killing Americans on behalf ISIS and its leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. When asked by reporters why her department was ignoring Mateen's own admission, Lynch replied, "People sometimes say crazy things under duress. He had a lot going on at the time."

 

Attorney General Loretta Lynch 

 

Chicago Surpasses Detroit As America's Democrat Utopia

CHICAGO (WNB) - Upon celebrating an impressive 9 deaths and 37 wounded over the Father's Day weekend, Chicago officially replaced Detroit as America's foremost Democrat utopia. 

"We've got it all - stratospheric crime rate, endless legions of illiterate, feral thugs, filth, poverty, unions, graft, corruption, dishonest and godless politicians - no other city personifies decades of Democratic leadership and values quite like Chicago," said one terrified resident. 

In honor of the achievement, the Chicago Tourism Bureau rolled out a new campaign Monday (below).

 

 

 

Clinton VP Choice Is Warren

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Sources inside the Clinton campaign say that Elizabeth Warren (RTRD-Mass.) is "definitely" Hillary Clinton's pick for vice president. 

Warren has reportedly already accepted the role, and is gearing up to battle presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump in a new series of ads set to run after Clinton makes the announcement, said to be soon. "Clinton only asked Warren after receiving Bill's word that he wouldn't try to bone her," said one Clinton staffer.

A bumper sticker leaked on Thursday (below) confirms the deal is done.

 

 

Gay Gun Accidents Skyrocket

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - The Dept. of Justice says that accidental shootings by new gay gun owners have increased dramatically since the Orlando nightclub terror attack. The increase is a result of thousands of gay individuals with no formal firearms training purchasing guns since the incident.

In response, the DOJ announced Thursday that effective immediately, all gun dealers in high gay residency areas are now required to affix warning labels stating "for external use only" on all firearms with 4" and longer barrels (below).

 

 

We Stand As One

 Given a choice between

American gays and

Muslim fanatics,

I'll take the homos. I guess.

 

 

Jihadist Killer Was As Sexually Confused As His Victims

ORLANDO, Florida (WNB) - Evidence shows that the Muslim mass murderer who killed 49 gay nightclub patrons in Orlando, Florida was himself sexually confused/mentally ill/perverted (pick one or more).

While most Muslim men from the Middle East quietly downplay their taste for sodomizing young boys ("boy play"), according to his wife, murdering jihadist Omar Mateen was an openly "rope-smoking butt burglar" and regular at the gay club he attacked. "My husband would not touch me. He said he preferred his man friends at the club because they were less hairy. Allah forgive him, Omar had a hunger for the wang."

 

Muslim Jihadist Omar Mateen (center)

 

Gay Gun Grab!

ORLANDO, Florida (WNB) - In the wake of yesterday's mass shooting at a Florida gay nightclub, gun dealers report being inundated by gay individuals purchasing firearms for personal protection.

"We are literally being  hammered by homos," said one Orlando dealer. "You can't find a faggy little pink pistol anywhere."

Firearm manufacturers are scrambling to enhance their product lines with gay-themed models such as the one below, even as they struggle to keep up with existing demand.

 

San Jose Crime Plummets During Trump Speech

SAN JOSE, California (WNB) - Despite the numerous assaults, property destruction, and robberies committed by a large mob of illegal immigrants against Trump supporters and police last night, on Thursday evening San Jose mysteriously recorded its fewest number of serious crimes in over a decade.

Crime statistics for the City of San Jose for Thursday night indicate that incidents of graffiti were down 99.7%, car thefts down 98.9%, robbery down 83.3%, property crime down 96.1%, and noise complaints involving weird music featuring trumpets and accordions down an incredible 100%.

"We don't know what to attribute the sudden drop in crime, but sure hope it lasts," said one police officer.

 

Hispanic illegal aliens attack Trump convention attendees

 

Obama Goes Off Prompter, Crashes, Burns.

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Barack Obama sustained minor injuries Wednesday when he went off teleprompter and attempted to freestyle trash talk Donald Trump. 

Witnesses say it was one of Obama's worse public performances, as he quickly lapsed into a stammering loop accompanied by an acrid burning smell. Onlookers said it also appeared that the President may have wet himself during the incident.

"It was really, really ugly. I've never seen someone go from normal to full-on retard that fast," said one staffer.

After the address, the President was reportedly treated by his personal physician for disorientation and a sprained tongue.

 

 

 

 

North Korea Praises Trump

PYONGYANG, DPRK (WNB) - An editorial by the North Korean state press DPRK Today praises presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump.

"Trump is not the rough-talking, screwy, ignorant candidate they say he is, but is actually a wise politician and a prescient presidential candidate. His large American penis is a thing of beauty," the piece’s author, Si Mi Wang, wrote. The article points to Trump's criticism of the billions in foreign aid given to South Korea as the reason for North Korea's support.

In possibly related news, Trump International announced last week the $10,000 acquisition of 1000 acres just north of Pyongyang for a planned luxury country club, hotel/casino, and water park complex.