World News Bureau

Trump Receives Major Endorsement From International News Agency

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - The World News Bureau editorial board is pleased to announce its endorsement of Donald J. Trump for president of the United States. 

This decision was not an easy one, as candidates from both parties have their own strengths and weaknesses. "We have carefully analyzed the position statements of Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Trump as they relate to the problems America is facing, and after an exhaustive review of each candidate's plus and minuses, have determined that Mr. Trump is most qualified to lead this great country," said World News Bureau Editor In Chief, Scooter Van Neuter.

Below is our final summation of both candidates:

Hillary Clinton

• Serial liar
• Phony
• Greedy opportunist
• Pretends to be a Christian but is Biblically illiterate, morally depraved
• Numerous scandals
• Changed positions on many major topics over the years
• Deceptively pretends to like black people
• Looks like someone's grandmother who was beaten with a sock full of quarters and sounds even worse

Donald Trump

• Serial liar
• Phony
• Greedy opportunist
• Pretends to be a Christian but is Biblically illiterate, morally depraved
• Numerous scandals
• Changed positions on many major topics over the years
• Deceptively pretends to like black people
• Has interesting hair and a nice voice

Advantage Trump.

 

Donald Trump accepts endorsement from World News Bureau head Scooter Van Neuter

 

North Korean GDP Per Capita Skyrockets

PYONGYANG, DPRK (World News Bureau) - The Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK) gross domestic product (GDP) per capita has surpassed $1,000 for the first time, despite heavy sanctions levied against it by the West. The GDP per capita in neighboring South Korea is just over $27,000.

Financial analysts credit leader Kim Jong-un's "Modern Economy Energizing Action" (MEEA) with the GDP increase from just $997 a person two years ago to $1013 today. MEEA essentially threatened every working age citizen with prison if they didn't work harder at state-run collectives. Signs of the government's increased wealth include a state-of-the-art lobster farm, go-cart track, and private nine-hole golf course adjoining the royal palace.

Following the report, President Kim Jong-un took to social media to taunt the West over the failure of the sanctions (below). 

 

Kim Jong-un celebrates GDP increase 

 

Debate Aftermath - Hillary's Notes

HEMPSTEAD, New York (World News Bureau) - Sources at Hofstra University, site of the recent debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, have produced a note card found in Clinton's dressing room trash can. The crib notes contain pointers such as a reminder to smile and not audibly break wind (below).

 

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Debate Aftermath - Hillary's Dressing Room

HEMPSTEAD, New York (World News Bureau) - A photo taken in Hillary Clinton's dressing room at Hofstra University Monday night may show how the candidate was able to endure nearly 90 minutes on her feet.

Reportedly snapped by a cleaning person after the debate, the image shows bottles of vodka, empty cans of Red Bull, a box of No-Doze, and a partially used package of XL-sized Depends (below). Sources say an attached bathroom trash can also contained several used amyl nitrite ampules and a "feminine irrigation device partially filled with what appeared to be coffee grounds." 

 

(Click for full size) 

 

Former President GW Bush Robbed

WASHINGTON DC (World News Bureau) - Former president George Bush reported being robbed while attending the dedication of the National Museum of African-American History and Culture on Saturday. The theft occurred despite extensive media coverage and heavy security, as the event was attended by President and First Lady Obama, as well as numerous political and celebrity dignitaries.

According to the police report, items stolen were a black leather wallet containing approximately $30, a pack of gum, and a Timex Indiglo wristwatch.

 

Michelle Obama hugs former president G.W. Bush

 

Colin Kaepernick Finally Achieves Fame

SAN FRANCISCO (World News Bureau) - Colin Kaepernick of the San Francisco 49ers has finally achieved the fame and notoriety that have alluded him in his football career by appearing on the front cover of the new issue of Time Magazine.

The recognition comes after Kaepernick refused to stand for the National Anthem in support of the false narrative that police are purposely gunning down innocent, unarmed black men across the country. The backup quarterback's actions are credited with reducing NFL viewership to 10-year lows and officially making him the most unpopular player in the NFL - no small feat in a league populated with thugs and felons.

 

Kaepernick: Fame achieved

 

Hillary Condemns Killing Of Innocent Black Men

 

 

Clinton Campaign: Hillary Working, Not Resting

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Amid questions concerning her health and increasing lack of personal appearances, Hillary Clinton's campaign insists that the candidate is taking time off not because she is tired, but because she is so busy. 

"Hillary has taken a break from campaigning to deal with pressing professional matters vital to her safeguarding the security of America, creating jobs, and promoting social justice for minorities,"  said a Clinton campaign press release circulated on Tuesday and accompanied by a photo of Clinton conferring at home with longtime aide, Huma Abedin (below).

 

 

Charlie Crist New King Of Comedy

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida (World News Bureau) - Former Florida governor and current congressional candidate Charlie Crist (RTRD-Fl) had the audience in stitches Monday night as he unexpectedly launched into an impromptu comedy routine during the first debate for Florida’s 13th Congressional District race.

With a straight face and perfect timing, Crist explained his support for Hillary Clinton by referring to her as a "very good Secretary of State," "strong," and "honest," prompting uncontrolled laughter and catcalls from the audience. 

"I had no idea he was that funny," said one supporter. "Charlie's easily a better comedian than a politician - he should do that."

 

 

Navy Instituting Transgender Education

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - The Navy has announced that all sailors will be required to undergo transgender behavioral education by July 2017. The training will educate sailors about the Navy's new transgender policy that allows mentally ill individuals transgenders to serve in the United States military.

Among the subjects taught will be:

• There is nothing unusual about a woman having a penis 
• Men with large breasts - don't touch
• People who believe they are something they are not are as normal as you
• The consequences of inappropriate laughter
• Men with makeup - it's okay
• Coping with female penis envy 

Transgender behavioral education starts November 1 for all Naval personnel.

 

Bill Clinton Pulls A Boner

LAS VEGAS (World News Bureau) - Bill Clinton raised some eyebrows as he stood in for his wife during a campaign stop while she continues to recuperate from either the flu, allergies, or pneumonia.

 

 

 

Hillary Clinton Book DOA

NEW YORK (WNB) - The sales of Hillary Clinton's new book is on life support after collapsing out of the gate - selling a paltry 2,912 copies in its first week of release.

The book, Stronger Together, (below) unveils Clinton's vision for America should she live long enough to become president. The handful of reviews by people who have read it indicates the candidate's vision is fundamentally the same as Barack Obama's - likely the biggest reason nobody seems to be interested in spending money for it.

The release of Stronger Together was timed to give the candidate's campaign a boost leading into the elections.

 

 

 

DNC Readies Hillary Replacement

WASHINGTON (WNB) - The Democratic National Committee is quietly preparing a replacement for Hillary Clinton but due to the possible loss of female voter support, has decided against running Tim Kaine, opting instead for a relatively unknown female candidate, Bernice Sandy.

The recent 9-11 medical episode with Clinton, coupled with her plunging believability ratings prompted the DNC's decision to move ahead with her replacement.

"Bernice is a dynamic, forward-thinking candidate who shares Hillary's vision while bringing her own brand of social consciousness to the table," interim DNC head Donna Brazile was overheard telling a colleague. Sources say running mate Tim Kaine isn't happy about being upstaged by a political unknown. "He's pissed off, but a team player," said one DNC insider. A former announcement introducing Sandy to voters by the DNC is expected within a week.

 

Hillary Clinton replacement, Bernice Sandy

 

Item Hillary Dropped While Fainting Identified!

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - The question of what Hillary Clinton dropped while fainting on Sunday appears to be answered. Using intelligence agency photographic enhancement technologies to magnify and clarify the item, it appears to be a pipe used to smoke methamphetamine (below). 

"Yeah, it's a meth pipe. The coughing, spastic movements, swollen ankles, bulging eyes - that explains a lot," said one medical examiner.

 

Click for large image

 

Exclusive: HIllary's Words As She Faints On 9-11!

 

 

A reporter's mic picks up Hillary Clinton's comments as she faints

 

The Gospel According To Hillary

KANSAS CITY (WNB) - Hillary Clinton continued her efforts to somehow connect with the African American community as she addressed black Baptists at the National Baptist Convention on Thursday. 

The candidate spoke of her faith-filled upbringing and the impact it had on her decision to "go forth and make the world a better place, especially for people of color." Her address was sprinkled with references to Scripture as well as her salvation through "Moses' death on the cross."

Comments from the audience afterward were less than enthusiastic. "I don't know what church Hillary went to, but I don't want any part of it," said one reverend. "I'm not saying Hillary was lying, but that woman wouldn't know the truth if it were sitting on her face," said another. 

 

 

Hillary schools black Baptists on the Gospel

 

Comic Transgender Superhero Introduced

NEW YORK (WNB) - The comic book world is getting its first transgender leading character. The central protagonist in the upcoming superhero series Sicko is Wanda Weiner, a mentally ill/sexually confused "hero for the new age." 

"Wanda is a stylish and strong woman who's as comfortable rocking a mini as she is sporting a chubby," says the comic book's author, Bill "Sugar Tits" Wankerstein. 

The superhero's first adventures will feature her/him battling North Carolina's gender-specific restroom laws and goes on sale August 16 wherever LGBT comics are sold.

 

World's first transgender superhero, Wanda Weiner

 

Philippine President Displays Knowledge Of Obama Genealogy

VIENTIANE, Laos (WNB) - Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte, known for his tough, no holds barred speech, showed his intellectual side by correctly referring to US President Barack Obama as "a son of a whore," ahead of a planned meeting between the two. In response, Obama quickly canceled the meeting but reportedly later secretly met with Duterte.

Those that know him say Duterte is an intelligent student of history and prides himself on being familiar with all major world leaders' genealogies, believing it gives him special insight in dealing with them. 

Barack Obama's mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, was well known as a sexually promiscuous leftist who participated in three-way sexual trysts with black self-avowed communist and pornographer, Frederick Marshall Davis and his wife. Because of the undeniably strong resemblance between Obama and Davis and Dunham's naughty history, many believe that Davis is the President's actual father. Widely circulated photos of a nude Dunham frolicking in Davis's living room (below, left) have given weight to those rumors over the years.

 

Stanley Anne Dunham, Frank Marshall Davis, likely son Barack Obama

 

Hillary Allergic To New Plane?

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Hillary Clinton launched into yet another uncontrolled coughing fit while attempting to address reporters on her new campaign jet (below). Clinton has said her increasing number of coughing episodes are the result of "allergies."

 

 

Hillary berates her staff as she hacks up a lung

 

Trump Gaining Black Vote While Hillary Struggles

DETROIT (WNB) - Polling shows that Donald Trump is gaining popularity with black voters. The GOP nominee received a standing ovation after addressing hundreds of black church leaders in attendance at the Great Faith Ministries Church in Detroit, Michigan on Saturday (below).

Trump's rising popularity with traditionally Democrat voting African Americans is in contrast to Hillary Clinton's struggle to keep the black vote, as evidenced by rap and fashion mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs recent comments that the black community not automatically accept Hillary Clinton because of her party's failure under President Obama's leadership. "Look, if Brother Barack failed to better the black community in eight years, what's some flabby, sick old white bitch going to accomplish? I say hold the vote until we know."

 

Donald Trump visits Detroit church