World News Bureau

LEAKED: Hillary Was Sexting Weiner!

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Sources that have seen emails on a computer belonging to Anthony Weiner confirm that many were sent from Hillary Clinton's personal server and are "highly personal in nature."

An exclusive leaked image (below) of one chat session is nothing less than a bombshell, and may very well derail Clinton's presidential bid. "They were sexting each other. I threw up in my mouth a little just reading them," said one unidentified agent involved in the investigation. More on this story as it develops.

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Desperate Hillary Courts Youth Vote With Makeover

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania (World News Bureau) - In what many are seeing as a desperate eleventh-hour attempt to appeal to young voters, Hillary Clinton appeared at a college campaign rally on Thursday attired in a dramatic departure from her usual "Chairman Mao" pantsuits - designer Daisy Dukes, halter top, and chic signature jacket (below).

Negative response on social media was immediate, prompting a Clinton spokesperson to issue a statement claiming the 70-year-old candidate normally wears this type of outfit in private. "Hillary just wanted to be informal for this rally. She's a big fan of "Pink" and always dresses this way when not campaigning. Hill's very current."

 

Hillary Clinton attempts to bond with millennials at campaign stop

 

Hillary Needs Help

  

 

 

Podesta Email: Hillary Acting "Retarded," Stinks

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - The latest released batch of hacked emails from Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta indicates concerns within the campaign for Clinton's behavior after she suffered a serious head injury. He says in one email, "People are telling me Hillary is acting "like a retard" since her head injury," telling his staff to contact her doctor.

In the same correspondence, Podesta also complains of the former Secretary of State having "an odor" he describes as "a combination of boiled cabbage, urine, and farts," and asking his staff for suggestions (below).

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Tim Kaine Holds Largest Campaign Rally Yet

WEST PALM BEACH, Florida (World News Bureau) - Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine held his largest campaign rally yet when he addressed at least 30 people in Southern Florida yesterday (below).

  

 

Hillary Chokes At Rally

RALEIGH, North Carolina (World News Bureau) - Onlookers were shocked when Hillary Clinton apparently choked just after addressing a campaign rally in North Carolina on Sunday. 

The candidate for president was answering a reporter's question when she suddenly started coughing, then gagged as aides scrambled to get her to her waiting bus. Witnesses claim she was finally able to expel the obstruction before being whisked away. Clinton's campaign staff has attempted to downplay a photograph of the incident being widely circulated on social media (below).

 

Hillary Jokes About Bill As First Lady

 

 

 

Hillary Responds To Question Concerning Her Mental Sharpness

 

 

Hillary Halloween Warning

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Authorities are warning the public to be aware of a high number of children expected to be masquerading as Hillary Clinton this Halloween. Specific concerns are children pretending to collapse on porches, sidewalks, and possibly even streets. 

"We urge all parents to warn children portraying Mrs. Clinton to exercise caution when pretending to collapse, avoiding busy sidewalks and staying well away from streets and driveways. Also, trick-or-treaters need to be aware of possible shock or confusion to individuals responding to a knock or doorbell, only to find plump children in pantsuits apparently dead or injured at their front door. Halloween is not an excuse to cause real harm or fear to people who are not familiar with your costume's theme."

 

 

 

Soaring Murder Rate In Chicago A Mixed Bag

CHICAGO (World News Bureau) - So far this year, Chicago has experienced 3,475 shootings resulting in nearly 600 deaths, but the news isn't all bad for this Midwestern mecca of the Democratic Party.

"While we all bemoan the rampant bloodshed afflicting our community, the good news is welfare and social services spending are being dramatically reduced every day, and for that taxpayers should be grateful," said Chicago mayor, Rahm Emanuel.

Chicago's efforts to educate its citizens on the fact they are not allowed to have guns has so far been less than successful.

  

Drudge To Release Hillary Sex Dirt

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Sources say online news powerhouse Drudge Report is preparing to release information on Hillary Clinton's lesbian sex life, possibly including fetish photos reportedly hacked from the personal computer of longtime Clinton aide and alleged lover, Huma Abedin (below).

 

Hillary and Huma

 

Hillary: At Least Bill Didn't Brag

  

 

Woman Accuses Hillary Of Unwanted Sexual Advances

SCOTTSDALE, Arizona (World News Bureau) - As mainstream media outlets exclusively focus their attention on accusations of chauvinistic behavior by Donald Trump, credible stories of unwanted sexual advances by Hillary Clinton have been all but ignored.

An Arizona resident claims the presidential candidate forced herself on her while serving as Secretary of State in 2012. The middle-aged woman who goes by the name of "Sissy" refuses to give her last name because of threats allegedly made by Clinton to keep quiet about the sordid incident.

Sissy claims she met Clinton the evening of August 31, 2012 at a Rarotonga resort in the Cook Islands while on vacation. Travel records show Mrs. Clinton was in Rarotonga for the Pacific Islands Forum from August 31 to September 2, 2012. 

"I was in the hotel bar for happy hour because they had all-you-can-eat shrimp poppers, which I love. Hillary was at a corner table with some skinny black-haired woman. They were sharing a giant tropical drink with multiple umbrellas and skewers of fruit. After about an hour, Hillary started getting pissed off and yelling about the black-haired woman not eating cats anymore or something like that - dropping F bombs and spitting pieces of shrimp all over the place. Finally, the black-haired woman got up and stomped off, all weepy and everything.

I went to the bathroom, and when I came out of the stall, Hillary was standing there just staring at me like I was a delicious steak or maybe one of those chocolate lava cakes. She said, "I saw you looking at me." I tried to leave but she moved in real close and said it was all right, that she liked being looked at as long as I wasn't looking at her calves or ankles. I said I was looking at the shrimp in her hand. All of a sudden she pushed me up against the wall and tried to kiss me with lips that looked like a little butthole up close. I got scared and pushed her away and ran out. She stopped by my table and basically told me she would remove all of my major organs without anesthesia if I ever told anyone what happened, and I believed her. That's enough - I've said too much..."

Calls to the Clinton campaign requesting a statement concerning the accusations have so far been unreturned.

 

Hillary Clinton accuser "Sissy"

 

COVERMENTALLYILLBOY

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - With their newest star, Covergirl has taken the bold step of glamorizing the mentally ill by featuring a sexually confused 17-year-old boy (below). The boy in question was reportedly recently featured in a story about the baffling double suicide of his parents.

 

 

Campaign Rallies - A Stark Contrast

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - As Donald Trump continues to draw thousands at every campaign rally he stages, Hillary Clinton struggles to attract supporters (below).

 

 

Undeniable Proof That Hillary Is A Robot

 

 

Hillary: "Haitians Blown But Not Like Bill"

 

 

 

NFL Revising National Anthem Ceremony

NEW YORK, New York (World News Bureau) - Despite the National Football League's denial that player protests during the National Anthem are in any way connected with a dramatic downturn in viewership, sources say the organization will soon instruct teams to take the field after the ceremony. 

"This has nothing to do with ratings, this is about our patriotic players wanting to stand closer to the flag while observing the National Anthem. Locker rooms have their own U.S. flags, and we salute our players for wanting to honor our country by standing close to this wonderful symbol of freedom," said an official.

 

 

Kaine Admits Hillary Tells "Little Lies"

 

 

Kim Kardashian Robber: "We Wanted Diamonds, Not STDs"

PARIS, France (World News Bureau) - An individual claiming to be one of five men who robbed Kim Kardashian took to social media on Monday afternoon to taunt the celebrity. Authorities say the man likely is one of the gunmen due to details he divulged about the heist that were not made public.

The individual, calling himself "Robbie Robber," addressed the blubber-butted selfie queen as "Fat Ass" and mocked her statement saying she feared the men were going to rape her (below).

 

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