World News Bureau

Woman Blames Hillary For Sickness

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - A woman claims she got ill after kissing Hillary Clinton's hand (below) at Tuesday's UNICEF Snowflake Ball.

"I noticed the hand didn't smell good when I got close to it but I kissed it anyway," said the unidentified woman. "Within an hour I was puking my guts out."

 

 

Drug / Alcohol Abuse, Suicides Skyrocket In Blue States

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Authorities report a recent dramatic spike in substance abuse and suicides in predominately Democrat states. The nation's capital has seen a 125% increase in alcohol and drug overdoses in the last four weeks as well as a shocking 400% increase in suicides. Close behind are New York, California, Oregon, and Washington with average increases of over 100% of both substance abuse and suicides.

State and federal agencies are attempting to determine the cause of the increases, so far with little success. "Right now we're concentrating on the regional influences of climate change, as that's pretty much the one common factor all of these states are being subjected to," said one government researcher.

 

 

Castro Death Photo Leaked

 

Aftermath

 

 

Thanksgiving 2016

From my family to yours - Happy Thanksgiving!

 

A traditional Van Neuter Thanksgiving 

 

Iran Threatens To Retaliate If Nuke Deal Changed

Fetihd Khatbochs, IRAN -  Iran Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei warned on Wednesday that Tehran would forcefully retaliate if US sanctions against Iran are extended, saying it would be a violation of the nuclear agreement between the two countries. The threat comes after the U.S. House of Representatives last week re-authorized the Iran Sanctions Act, or ISA, for 10 years.

"We will strike the United States with a crippling retaliation of overwhelming force should they try to punish Iran in defiance of our mutual agreement to allow our country to peacefully develop nuclear miss...uh, power plants," said Khamenei in a radio address.

Specific retaliatory measures mentioned include:

• Sending thousands of men rampaging through the streets of Tehran shouting "Death to America!" while cutting themselves with knives and flogging themselves bloody with chains.
• Publicizing photos of young boys dressed as suicide bombers.
• Posting a series inflammatory statements critical of the United States on Facebook.
• Parading plywood "missiles" and old Toyota pickup trucks equipped with large machine guns through the streets of Tehran.
• Posting photos of hairy teens stomping on burning US flags.
• Having a bunch of tiny speedboats careening wildly all over the place offshore.
• Praying to Allah that Kanye West will go crazy.

 

Iranian naval unit threatens US ship

 

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee Named Dumbest US Politician

Washington DC (BHN) - According to a recently published article, the dumbest politician in the United States is Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (RTRD-TX). Jackson Lee's breathtaking lack of intelligence combined with the disposition of a rabid badger has made her one of the most unpopular politicians in modern times.

"It takes everything I've got not to crap my pants when I see her coming," confided one of her staff members.

Jackson Lee's lack of intelligence is well documented, as is her horrific lack of civility:

• When on the Science Committee in 1997 she asked NASA if the Mars Pathfinder had photographed the flag planted earlier by Neil Armstrong. 
• She demanded that hurricanes be given names that are "more black," leading to the inclusion of "Laquisha", "Shaniqua", "Lashonda", "Shamika", and "Peaches" onto the list of future hurricane names.
• She constantly berates and bullies her employees with gutter profanities and idiotic demands, resulting in the largest turnover of staff in the history of Congress.
• She has been known to throw her feces at opposing colleagues on the House Floor when angry.

Incredibly, Rep. Jackson Lee has served in office since 1995.

 

 

Pope Adds, Subtracts Forgivable Sins

VATICAN, Rome (World News Bureau) - In an apostolic letter released Monday, Pope Francis has given Catholic priests the power to forgive abortions while proclaiming actions contributing to climate change "dire sins that can not be forgiven except by God Himself."

The moves continue a special dispensation granted last year for the duration of the Year of Mercy which gave all priests the power to absolve the sins of abortion. The removal of forgiveness for the "purposeful harming of the planet" was done in response to the Pontiff's newfound understanding of the seriousness of this sin, according to the Vatican.

  

 

 

Putin: Can't Wait To Deal With President "Who Has Balls"

MOSCOW, Russia (WNB) - When asked about Donald Trump's election win, Vladimir Putin told an interviewer on Tuesday that he is "looking forward to dealing with an American president who has balls," an apparent sleight to Barack Obama. 

"The last eight years have been not so good between the United States and Russia - threats, sanctions, stupid big plastic buttons. I am looking forward to dealing with a man like myself who has balls, not a weak...what the Americans call "pussy."

White House spokesman Josh Earnest called the remarks "distasteful" and joked that "if there's a pussy around here that's been talking to Mr. Putin, the next president will probably grab it."

 

Hillary Clinton Talks About Losing

  

 

White House Changes Leaked

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - The Trumps have planned numerous alterations and updates to personalize the White House. A partial list of proposed changes leaked Wednesday include:

• Remove weed-choked garden and install putting green using synthetic grass to save water and assure year-round use.
• Remove "African shit" from all public and private areas.
• Remove giant subwoofers from East Ballroom.
• Re-carpet and paint hallway outside of Oval Office to remove any remaining Clinton body fluids.
• Fumigate, paint, and re-carpet as necessary to remove smell of marijuana in children's bedrooms and ballroom bathrooms.
• Remove tire swing and gym equipment from First Lady's office.
• Re-acquire bust of Winston Churchill and display prominently.
• Refinish top of Oval Office desk to remove cigarette burns and shoe damage.
• Declare Master Bedroom and bathroom a biohazard. Totally renovate with new surfaces, fixtures, and furniture.
• Totally renovate and refurnish Oval Office to remove "overpowering stench of failure." 

 

Trump changes: First Lady office tire swing to be removed

 

Arizona To Promote California As Sanctuary State

PHOENIX, Arizona (World News Bureau) - Arizona Governor Doug Ducey on Tuesday praised California's "courage" in pledging to ignore the incoming Trump administration's plan to deport illegal immigrants with serious criminal records. Gov. Ducey added that unlike California, Arizona will "enthusiastically" comply with any upcoming federal immigration actions.

"California's pledge to shelter illegal immigrants as well as provide a wide range of free social services to make their stay as comfortable as possible is courageous if nothing else. In a spirit of friendship, the state of Arizona will embark on an extensive ad campaign promoting California as a great, safe place to live."

 

 

Angry Hillary Blames Comey, Obama For Loss

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - An inconsolable and angry Hillary Clinton blamed FBI director James Comey and President Obama for her loss in a phone call to a close friend the morning after the election. 

CAUTION: COARSE LANGUAGE!

 

Students Triggered By Trump!

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - The day after American voters elected Donald Trump for president, college campuses across the country erupted into protest as students suddenly realized they were still going to be responsible for paying their student loans - at least for the next four years.

"Bernie understood that the f*cking Constitution guarantees all Americans an education and Hillary too. Trump doesn't know sh*t and we're sick of him preaching hate! Love trumps hate! I hope somebody blows his f*cking head off and rapes his wife and kids," said one professor.

 

 

Help, I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up!

 

Down for the count - Hillary Clinton 

 

Bill Clinton Mesmerized By Michelle Obama

 

 

 

Clinton Loses Voice, Popularity Surges

Cleveland, Ohio (World News Bureau) - Hillary Clinton's popularity ratings skyrocketed over the weekend when she lost her voice while speaking in Ohio.

Clinton's cough resurfaced during a short seven-minute address to Cleveland supporters just before her voice was reduced to a horse garble. Pollsters reported a simultaneous spike in popularity for Clinton from focus groups watching the address. "This is as well-liked as we've seen Mrs. Clinton, ever."

Campaign insiders report that Clinton will conduct her final campaign rallies today and tomorrow "in pantomime to honor the French victims of recent terror attacks."

 

 

Hillary Visited Sex Island Multiple Times

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Sources close to the New York Police Department and the FBI say authorities have found an abundance of damning criminal information on the Clintons, including the fact that Hillary went to a notorious sex island with convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein at least six times. Bill Clinton went there more than 20 times, allegedly also participating in underage sex.

Photos recently circulating the internet (below), if authentic, may very well collaborate these reports. Bahamian authorities are said to be attempting to locate the girl pictured before she kills herself.

 

 

A Public Service Announcement From World News Bureau

 

 

Podesta Email: Hillary Mocks Michelle Obama

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - The latest WikiLeaks release of John Podesta emails contains more embarrassments for the Clinton campaign, including a communication (below) discussing Hillary mocking First Lady Michelle Obama - an advocate who has been actively campaigning for Clinton.

"I have been made aware that there is reportedly a recording of Hillary saying she saw Michelle Obama in a movie "swatting at airplanes while clinging to a building," writes Podesta. "The fact Hillary was apparently drunk when she said these things would do little to negate the disastrous effect this would have with low information voters, especially blacks."

While the White House has yet to comment on this story, reports say Michelle Obama has "unfriended" Clinton on social media.

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