World News Bureau

Boy Scouts Admit Trannies

FIRE ISLAND, New York (World News Bureau) - The Boy Scouts of America said on Monday the group would begin accepting transgender boys, bucking its more than a century-old practice of only admitting actual boys.

"Starting today, we will accept and register youth in the Cub and Boy Scout programs based on the gender the individual most identifies with," Boy Scouts of America communications director Herb Smith said in an emailed statement. "We believe that even the sexually confused and mentally ill should know how to make a proper campfire."

 

 

Trump Signs Executive Order Aimed At Critics

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - President Donald Trump on Monday signed another series of executive orders, including one that has many celebrities and politicians expressing outrage and disbelief.

"This executive order, titled American Mental Health Response Order, clinically addresses hysterical duress in response to legal and intelligent legislation enacted by the Executive Branch," President Trump told reporters in the Oval Office as he signed the document.

According to the White House, the order specifies "therapeutic treatment* for individuals possessing above average public exposure/popularity who exhibit behavior considered to be mentally unstable and/or physically threatening in response to acts by the Executive Branch of the United States of America."

A tearful Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer called the order "beyond Nazi-like" as he hurriedly boarded an international flight for an undisclosed destination.

*Automotive jumper cables attached to patient's nipples delivering voltage from an American-made generator not exceeding 4KW. 

 

 

Trump: Illegal Aliens Will Pay For Wall

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters on Friday morning that the administration is crafting a plan to make illegal aliens in the US pay for a border wall, with money left over to build additional new prisons across the country.

"President Trump proposes placing a 20% tax on the sale of spray paint, markers, glass cutters, food sold at drive-through restaurants with "berto" in their name, tiny white wall tires, tattoos of large-breasted women, the Virgin Mary, or "comedy and tragedy" masks, and any foreign-made automobile over 15-years-old equipped with a subwoofer."

The new plan is estimated to add over $20 billion in tax revenue every year.

 

 

Trump Will Meet With Mexico On One Condition

WASHINGTON (World News Burea) - Critics are outraged over President Trump's new conditions to meet with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto after earlier saying Nieto should cancel the meeting if Mexico was not willing to pay for a border wall.

"Whether he agrees to pay for the wall or not, I am willing to meet with President Nieto if he will do something with the White House hedges - they look like they haven't been trimmed in years," President Trump said on social media Thursday morning (below). 

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ISIS Unveils Weaponized Drone

FETIDH KHATBHOKS, Iraq (World News Bureau) - Today ISIS released a video on social media showing their new Flying Death Goat weaponized drone they intend to use against Iraqi forces.

The video shows what appears to be several low-functioning, swarthy individuals manipulating an inexpensive American-made drone featuring a hand grenade taped underneath with a long string tied to its pin.

Once in the air, the drone flies toward a group of men below. A "weapons officer" is shown yanking the string and pulling the pin just before the drone careens into a distant camel and explodes in a ball of fire. An ISIS suicide bomber then runs up to the men staring at the burning camel and detonates his bomb, killing everyone amid frenzied shouts of "Allahu Akbar" off-camera. 

Iraqi military experts are studying the video in search of a strategy to counter the deadly drone.

 

ISIS soldiers display weaponized drone 

 

Obama White House Garden Removed

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - As new President Donald Trump works in the White House to fulfill campaign promises, outside, workmen have already demolished Michelle Obama's vegetable garden in order to install a new state-of-the-art heated artificial turf three-hole putting green (below).

One of the former First Lady's last acts was to have the garden's planters reinforced with concrete in an attempt to make it a permanent legacy of her stay. "It took a couple hours longer to rip it all out, but we got it," said one worker.

 

Workmen install new White House putting green

 

Pro-Abortionists March On Washington

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Large numbers of women and some pussified supporting men marched in Washingon DC, one day after Donald Trump was inaugurated as president. 

The Women's March, billing itself as a movement for "solidarity with our partners and children for the protection of our rights, our safety, our health, and our families," rejected efforts of right-to-life women's groups to participate. "When we say we want to protect the rights, safety, and health of our families, we obviously aren't including unborn children. They need to be killed and their body parts sold for profit," said spokesperson Amanda Powell-Chelsey-Howard-Brown.

Many of the estimated one million marchers wore bizarre, handcrafted "pussy hats," although no one seemed to know why.

 

 

Obamas Welcome Trumps To Their New Home

 

Thank God That's Over!

White House Changes Leaked

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - The Trumps have planned numerous alterations and updates to personalize the White House. A partial list of proposed changes leaked Wednesday include:

• Remove weed-choked garden and install putting green using synthetic grass to save water and assure year-round use.
• Remove "African shit" from all public and private areas.
• Remove giant subwoofers from East Ballroom.
• Re-carpet and paint hallway outside of Oval Office to remove any remaining Clinton body fluids.
• Fumigate, paint, and recarpet as necessary to remove smell of marijuana in children's bedrooms and ballroom bathrooms.
• Remove tire swing and gym equipment from First Lady's office.
• Re-acquire bust of Winston Churchill and display prominently.
• Refinish top of Oval Office desk to remove cigarette burns and shoe damage.
• Declare Master Bedroom and bathroom a biohazard. Totally renovate with new surfaces, fixtures, and furniture.
• Totally renovate and refurnish Oval Office to remove "overpowering stench of failure." 

 

Trump changes: First Lady office tire swing to be removed

 

Celebrities Deperately Seek Trump Spotlight

LOS ANGELES (World News Bureau) - As the inauguration of President-elect Donald Trump draws closer, lower tier Hollywood celebrities continue to frantically use this as an opportunity to put their faces in front of the public.

The latest "celebrities" to appear in the anti-Trump spotlight are "C" listers (right to left below) Van Jones, Chelsea Handler, Lena Dunham, Michael Moore, and some bald black guy. The five appear in this month's Vogue Magazine Hollywood Hissy-fit Inauguration Edition.

Click for full size

 

"Goodbye Obamas" Party Invitations

By popular demand, we are offering a PDF download of our Goodbye Assholes party invitation. Click image below to download file. Print using "fit" or "fit to page" setting on your printer - there are 2 invitations on the page (for most of you, this will accommodate all of your friends, plus your cat). 

Join me in sending off this godless, America-hating, self-sanctimonious, narcissistic commie retard (and her idiot husband). Party on!

 

 

American Donor Funds "Girls With Penises" Campaign

BARCELONA, Spain (World News Bureau) - An anonymous American donor has funded a campaign in northern Spain featuring posters depicting naked children with genitalia of the opposite sex.

The posters, created by transgender advocacy group "Kiddies With Switched Bitties", which declares that some girls have penises and some boys have vulvas, have appeared at bus stops and metro stations across the Basque Country and Navarre.

In a possibly related story, authorities in a number of northern cities in Spain report a sudden 2000% increase in sexual assaults on children, nearly all apparently committed by Muslim immigrants. Police are asking parents to keep their children away from public transportation until they are able to get control of the situation. 

 

 

Trump Creates Special Conditions For CNN Participation

NEW YORK (World News Burea) - The office of President-elect Donald Trump sent out a press release Thursday morning laying out special conditions for CNN to be allowed to continue to be included in the White House press pool during his administration and banning online "news" outlet Buzzfeed outright (below).

 

CNN, Buzzfeed Accuse Trump Of Assault

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - "News" organizations Buzzfeed and CNN are accusing President-elect Donald Trump of viciously assaulting them during a tumultuous news conference on Wednesday. The charges were made after Trump angrily reacted to a concocted story promoted by the two organizations that claimed the President-elect hired prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed in Moscow, Russia because it had been used by the Obamas. 

Witnesses at the press conference confirm that Trump did administer a "brutal" verbal beatdown to both Buzzfeed and CNN that left CNN reporter Jim Acosta crying out.

"He (Trump) came out swinging and first beat the sh*t out of Buzzfeed, then absolutely excoriated CNN. Acosta started yelling and yelling, then suddenly Trump turned and verbally bitch-slapped him so hard, I almost puked. It was brutal. I've never seen a public ass-kicking like that - careers could have been killed," said one shaken ABC staffer.

 

 

Group Offers Help For Traumatized Celebrities

SCOTTSDALE, Arizona (World News Bureau) - A conservative group led by online news maven Scooter Van Neuter has organized to provide assistance to celebrities troubled by the election of Donald Trump for President. The organization, Save Our Celebrities, was introduced by Van Neuter at a press conference Tuesday morning at World News Bureau world headquarters in Scottsdale, Arizona.

"As normal, middle-class Americans, we love and idolize the talented singers and actors who give our lives real meaning. Instead of sitting by idly watching these heroes suffer, Save Our Celebrities will offer aid packages consisting of medicinal and therapeutic aids to help those celebrities who have been traumatized by the unexpected election of Donald Trump to the office of President of the United States. It's the least we can do for those who have given us so much."

According to a handout, the aid packages will consist of cases of Patron tequila, a "substantial quantity" of legal synthetic marijuana substitutes Spice and K-2, and therapeutic texts including So, You Want To Kill Yourself, The Utter hopelessness of Life, and Stepping Into The Light - Escaping A World Gone Mad.

 

 

Harry Reid Used Campaign Contributions For Portrait

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Former Senate minority leader Harry Reid used campaign funds to pay for a portrait of himself, records show. The Washington Free Beacon uncovered the expenditure last August when they noticed a $7,000 check paid from Reid’s campaign committee to the artist, a personal friend and employee.

The painting was unveiled at Reid’s farewell ceremony last month on Capitol Hill that was attended by former Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton (below). It now decorates one of the walls inside the U.S. Capitol, but the incoming Trump administration has expressed plans to move it to a "more fitting" location in one of the building's public restrooms.

 

Hillary Clinton and Sen. Harry Reid at portrait unveiling

 

Chuck Schumer: Stop Calling Me Names

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Chuck Schumer (RTRD-NY) has warned President-elect Donald Trump to stop calling him names. Trump has repeatedly referred to the Senate Minority Leader as a "clown" in recent tweets criticizing Schumer's defense of the doomed Affordable Care Act.

Speaking at a press conference on Capitol Hill on Thursday, Schumer blasted Trump, saying, "I'm not the kind of man who will stand by idly while someone calls me names. Believe me, when I see Trump I've got a large flower I want him to take a close look at."

 

Chuck Schumer (RTRD-NY) threatens President-elect Trump over name calling (C-Span photo)

 

Facebook Shuts Down Popular Conservative News Outlet

LOS ANGELES, California (World News Bureau) - Facebook has suspended the account of World News Bureau Editor in Chief Scooter Van Neuter for reasons unknown. The move is the latest in an increasingly concerted effort to censor conservative-based content from the notoriously left-leaning social media company.

At an early morning press conference at World News Bureau headquarters in Scottsdale, Arizona, Van Neuter blasted Facebook owner Mark Zuckerberg and his employees.

"Zuckerberg is a godless, commie-wannabe little pussy who's made billions enslaving a generation of pasty-faced, socially stunted zombies. He and his retarded organization seems to have determined that these users must be shielded from anything that doesn't agree with his progressive liberal politics. I fervently pray to God that he caught some sort of fatal STD from having his nose deeply wedged in Hillary's gelatinous pooper for the course of the last election."

 

World News Bureau Editor in Chief Blasts Facebook, Zuckerberg

 

Trump: White House Will Smell Like Pot For Months

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - In an interview Tuesday, President-Elect Donald Trump bemoaned the Obama's upcoming farewell party in the White House, saying it will take "months" for the smell of marijuana to dissipate. 

"Every time they (Obamas) have a party, rappers and other idiots smoke pot in the restrooms and hallways - it will take months to get rid of the smell, and that's in addition to the obvious stench of failure that permeates every inch of the place."

There have been numerous accounts of guests smoking marijuana and even having sex in the White House during parties held by the Obamas.