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WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - In response to a growing negative public perception of abortion and increased calls for reduced federal funding for Planned Parenthood, that organization has announced they are changing their name and revamping their image.
"In order to more accurately reflect our range of women's services, Planned Parenthood will now be called "New Life Weight Loss" - an organization geared to enhancing and bettering women's lives." said a press release posted Friday.
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CHARLOTTE, North Carolina (World News Bureau) - North Carolina lawmakers have reached a deal to repeal the state's controversial law prohibiting mentally ill transgender people from using restrooms in accordance with their fantasy gender identity.
The compromise, reached with Democratic Governor Roy Cooper, would still ban anyone with a penis from using female restrooms, but allows anyone without one to use any restroom they feel comfortable with.
"Hey, this was always about not having some guy in a dress perving it up in the women's bathroom, but if some chick wants to hang out with us in the men's john, we're okay with that - at least if they're under 200 pounds," said one Republican lawmaker.
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WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Sen. John McCain wasted no time in doubling down after fat-shaming North Korean leader Kim Jong-un into threatening to destroy America.
The Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK) lashed out at McCain this morning in response to his referring to Kim as "the crazy fat kid" during a recent interview.
"Our glorious Supreme leader is blessed with a powerful and athletic stature so when he standing next to frail countrymen gives false illusion he big, but he not - everyone else too small. This grave insult warrants the immediate nuclear bomb destruction of the United States."
McCain immediate responded with a Tweet showing a blubbery Kim dancing (below), a move that some say may push the plush-yet-fiery despot over the edge.
McCain's longtime penchant for viciously mocking Asians is legendary - and obviously understandable.
Going too far? Sen. John McCain fat-shames Kim Jong-un
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CHARLOTTE, North Carolina (World News Bureau) - Concerned parents of children attending first grade in the Charlotte-Mecklenburg school district have forced the district to change a textbook glorifying transgender behavior in boys.
"Let them push this politically-correct crap to mentally ill kids in California. In North Carolina boys are boys and girls are girls and a boy that prances around in a dress is begging for an ass-whipping and a healthy dose of electroshock therapy," said one parent.
The original text was changed to more accurately reflect reality, according to an attorney representing the parents.
North Carolina version of "Jacob's New Dress"
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LOS ANGELES (World News Bureau) - A small group of butthurt young progressives has created a loose national movement devoted to the destruction of Donald Trump's presidency.
The group, consisting primarily of students and unemployed "entrepreneurs," published an online 26-page document in mid-December, called "Indivisable: A Practacal Guide for Resisting the Trump Agenda." George Takei, the geriatric rump-riding "C" list celebrity of "Star Trek" fame, tweeted it to his 2.2 million followers, and the movement was born.
Indivisable outlines advanced key strategies for members to follow in obtaining their goals, including:
When attending a Republican town hall, make sure and wait for a quiet moment to start screaming at the top of your lungs about things such as global warming, transgender rights, and open borders.
When screaming, try to use as many expletives (curse words) as possible - this tells the opposition that you are serious, drawing them to your cause.
Front line operatives should be unattractive, skinny or grossly overweight females with frizzy hair, glasses, and wearing hemp clothing. Male counterparts should be similar with as much unkempt facial hair as possible.
Remember, a moderate to high level of intoxication always provides an elevated degree of effectiveness in swaying your opposition to your side.
If protesting outside, always attempt to block traffic with your bodies*.
Indivisable's popularity has drawn support from notable left-leaning companies such as Ben & Jerry's (Angry Asshole Almond) and organizations like Black Lives Matter and the American Communist Party.
*Unless you are operating in a state with laws absolving motorists of blame for running over protesters in the street - in these areas look for a Starbucks to attack.
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LONDON, England (World News Bureau) - Just one day after a Muslim terrorist killed three and injured scores more in this city, British Prime Minister Theresa May was attacked while visiting the predominately Muslim district of Whitechapel in East London. Mrs. May, who insists that Islam had nothing to do with yesterday's terror attacks, was visiting the neighborhood to show her solidarity with the city's burgeoning Muslim immigrant population.
Sources say the Prime Minister was shaking hands in front of a mosque when she was suddenly surrounded by dozens of young men and boys who proceeded to "grope and fondle" her before her outnumbered security detail was finally able to pull the politician from the raucous crowd. Afterward, a shaken but apparently unharmed May was photographed smoking a cigarette (below) while aides attempted to recover articles of her clothing.
The cheeky Prime Minister later quipped to reporters, "If I have a son, I'm going to name him Muhammad."
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DPRK (World News Bureau) - Pentagon intelligence sources confirm that undercover operatives in North Korea were responsible for a missile exploding during an attempted launch early today.
"All I can say is that one of our people was able to substitute a critical German-made component with a similar part out of a Black & Decker coffeemaker - the result was predictable," said the source.
A British spy satellite recorded the massive explosion, which appeared to kill the man who had just lit the fuse and destroyed a pickup, 2 mopeds, a small shed (which may have been the launch control center), and a goat.
U.S. agents were reportedly tipped off about the upcoming launch after the North Korean military released photos yesterday showing leader Kim Jong-un personally fueling an advanced Type 10 Shitstome Dethdhong Mark V intermediate range missile (below).
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un fuels missile (DPRK Military)
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WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-CA) is blaming Republicans for an incident on Monday where she was trapped in a federal building for nearly six hours.
Reports say Waters was attempting to exit the building only to find the door "locked," trapping her until a security guard finally freed her hours later. An investigation into the incident determined that an unknown person had apparently taped a handwritten sign that said "Push" on a door that could only be opened by pulling. "This was clearly a Republican effort to sidetrack my efforts to impeach this illegitimate president for working with the Russians. I will be calling for a full investigation," Rep. Waters told reporters Tuesday morning.
Sources say Waters was taken to an area hospital where she was treated for a urinary tract infection and severe exhaustion.
Trapped: Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-CA) held hostage for hours by dirty trick
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IN EARTH ORBIT (BHN) - Shocking photos released this morning by the North Korean military show leader Kim Jong-Un commanding his forces from a death star reportedly in orbit somewhere above South Korea.
In a hastily-called news conference, South Korean General Hung Li Mas exclaimed, "Hory Crap, we didn't even know Kim had death star! He saying to his enemies, 'Rook at my big space penis, it gonna rain death and destruction from above."
The startling images send the strongest indication yet that the aggressive, yet plush Kim is continuing to send out startling images. South Korean and United States forces in the region reacted to this latest threat by staging wiener dog races and an ice cream social in Seoul.
Kim Jong-Un and his top generals on bridge of death star
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DPRK (World News Bureau) - Photos released this morning by the North Korean military show leader Kim Jong-Un in his hidden secret lair/missile base located inside a fake mountain preparing to launch his country's most powerful nuclear missile - the Type 10 Shitstome Dethdhong Mark V.
South Korean Defence Minister Mi-Kei Mao called the startling images the strongest indication yet that the fiery, yet plush Kim may be ready to attack. "It's like Kim saying to his enemies, "Hey look, my giant Dethdhong ready to spew fiery death all over you."
United States forces in the region reacted to the increased threat by staging a talent show and hot dog eating contest outside of Seoul.
Kim Jong-un readies nuclear missile in hidden base
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PYONGYANG, DPRK (BHN) - Startling images released this morning by the North Korean military show leader Kim Jong-un has moved to a secure underground bunker reportedly in preparation for missile launches targeting South Korea as well as US bases in Japan.
"Commander of all forces Kim Jong-un has entered the secure nuclear bomb-proof Underground Make War Command Room in order to coordinate a devastating precision missile attack on all aggressors," said an accompanying press release by state-run media.
A Pentagon spokesperson called the images "sobering."
Kim Jong-Un and his top generals prepare a deadly missile attack from their underground bunker
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DPRK (World News Bureau) - North Korea has ratcheted up their threats against South Korea and US forces by releasing a photo Tuesday showing leader Kim Jong-Un commanding what is reported to be their new Death Dongh Type 2 ballistic missile submarine close to South Korean waters.
"Yesterday he was in Make War Command Room, today he is heading this way in a deadly submarine," said South Korean Admiral Ima Si Monki , "Kim is increasing his aggression by saying to his enemies "look at my big floating penis - it gonna blow and rain death."
Pentagon sources called this latest provocation by the pariah nation "troubling."
Kim Jong-un threatens South Korea / US forces in ballistic missile submarine (DPRK)
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PYONGYANG, DPRK (World News Bureau) - In response to social media trolling by President Trump, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is threatening an imminent attack on South Korea and US bases in Japan.
"Our forces are now preparing a death blow of destruction on aggressor forces that dare challenge us," said Kim in a written statement released Monday. "Our fearless soldiers will blow our enemies again and again until they cannot stand."
South Korean General Mi Soh Hoeni responded by saying, "As long as they're female soldiers, we'll consider it."
The threat was accompanied by images of Kim Jong-un huddling with his generals in the "Make War Command Room" (below).
Kim Jong-un in war room with top generals
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NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Wednesday's "Day Without Women" is being applauded by men across the country as being a tremendous success.
A sampling of comments:
"I wish we could do this every day. Literally, every angry heffalump in the place was gone today - it was wonderful," said IT professional Drew Littleton.
"This was like a vacation," said Mike Snyder, a supervisor with UPS, "the only women at work today were the good looking ones. There wasn't a fat lesbian to be seen."
"It's like every ugly, angry fat chick was abducted by aliens. This is the way college was supposed to be," said ASU student Shaun Jackson.
The International Women's Day rallies across the country were populated by feminists, abortion supporters, anti-Trump protesters, pro-LGBTQ types, and the usual conglomeration of communists, Satanists, Islamists, and PMSing Hillary Clinton supporters.
Day Without Women: Women march for everything
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WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Sources say that at least part of Rep. Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-CA) has unexpectedly died of unknown causes.
"As close as we can tell, she suffered brain death a few months ago," said one confidential source close to Pelosi. "We're also pretty sure she has digestive organ failure due to her near-constant farting. Something's definitely dead in there."
The shocking report may shed light on the former Majority Speaker's increasingly bizarre comments and actions since President Trump took office.
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WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Compromising images of two men resembling Sen. Chuck Schumer (RTRD-NY) and alt-leftist powerbroker George Soros were posted Friday on social media sites, leading many to speculate that the Trump administration has decided to fight fire with fire.
Despite reports that the images were posted from a government server, the White House is denying any involvement: "While the President certainly wasn't surprised at all by the images, he obviously had nothing to do with their publication," Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters at the morning press conference.
There has been no official determination yet if the images are real.
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