Click retard!
WORLD NEWS BUREAU - "News at the speed of typing"
Could This Man Topple Pelosi?
A 71-year-old Bernie Sanders alt-left radical is being touted by San Francisco voters as a worthy successor to Nancy Pelosi.
Stephen Jaffe prides himself on being even further left than the dementia-ravished Pelosi, calling for free health care, free college, abortions to the age of 5, the outlaw of Christianity, and the establishment of national holidays honoring Karl Marx and male anal intercourse.
"Stephan is intellectually dim, has absolutely no morals, abhors America, and is a closet communist," said one close friend. "In other words, he's everything we love about Pelosi, but without the irritating blinking and overpowering stench of White Diamonds and urine."
_______________________________________________
Scientists: Eating Boogers Good For Health
Scientists have discovered that ingesting boogers is good for teeth, and overall health.
Research at universities including Harvard and Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) say parents should not discourage their children from picking their noses because they contain "a rich reservoir of good bacteria."
In a related story, despite her appearance, sources say a recent physical indicates Whoopi Goldberg has "the teeth and overall health" of a woman half her age.
_______________________________________________
Lena Dunham Survives Overdose
Millions of Americans were saddened by the news that Girls star/part-time parade float, Lena Dunham, is resting comfortably after being rushed to the hospital after attending the Met Gala in New York City on Tuesday.
Hospital sources say Dunham nearly died from a toxic combination of canned ham(s), Taco Bell Nachos Bell Grande, Cinnabons, a box of cheap red wine, black licorice, sexual self-abuse, and a "mind-numbing" dose of radical feminism.
"Maybe next time," said one distraught conservative pundit when told of the hefty celebrity's continuing existence.
