World News Bureau

California Teaching LGBT Curriculum To 2nd Graders

LOS ANGELES (WNB) - California is the first state to officially indoctrinate teach children an LGBT curriculum as young as second grade.  

The new history and social studies classes will stress the contributions of LGBT individuals in our society as well as educating children on such things as bathhouse etiquette, STDs, lifestyle tools such as butt plugs and proper lubricants, drug and alcohol addictions, and of course, mental health issues. Texts such as "Daddy's On Uncle Tim," "Mommy Horked Up A Hairball," and "Pete, The Pervy Penguin" (below) will be part of the curriculum for younger students.

"This is a big win for our students,” said California Superintendent of Public Instruction Tommee Tuchus in a statement. "We need to teach these kids as early as possible that being gay or transgendered is not only normal but in many ways preferable."

 

 

 

McCain: I Don't Remember Voting

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - A day after he apparently cast the pivotal vote that shot down the GOP's effort to repeal Obamacare, Senator John McCain (RNO-Az) claims he has no recollection of the event.

McCain, who was recently diagnosed with non-operable brain cancer, may have suffered an episode related to his illness. "The last thing I recollect was slipping into the restroom to relieve myself," the Arizona Senator reportedly told medical personnel. " I remember saying hi to Chuck (Schumer) when he came in. The next thing I know, I'm waking up in a stall."

Sen. McCain returned to Arizona Thursday evening to receive further treatment for his condition and a possible concussion.

 

 

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Hillary Clinton Pens Memoir

For the first time since her stunning 2016 presidential election defeat to Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton reveals personal details of the unprecedented campaign through her tell-all book "What the F*ck Happened?"

Publisher Simon & Schuster says the memoir, due out Sept. 12, "lifts the lid off Clinton's breathtaking rocket sled ride to Fail Town." 

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Baltimore City Hall Gun Control Hearing Erupts

Chaos erupted Tuesday at a Baltimore City Hall hearing for a proposed mandatory one-year sentence for possession of an illegal handgun.

The hearing erupted into violence when residents suddenly came to the realization that the proposed law would result in the imprisonment of nearly every black male between the age of 14 and 56.

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Trump Tweeting Gibberish?

Critics of President Trump claim his latest Tweet proves he is mentally unfit to serve. 

The cryptic Tweet, "Because you're a hideous, phony, lying, hatchet-faced bitch," is assumed to be aimed at either Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca) or MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski, two of the President's biggest critics.

 

Military Trannies Trumped

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - President Trump announced on Wednesday through social media (below) that transgendered individuals will not be allowed into the military. 

The announcement nullifies the Obama administration's decision to promote sexual confusion/mental illness/perversion in the armed forces - a move that has drawn criticism from generals and military experts and added a financial burden at a time when money is desperately needed to rebuild forces decimated by eight years of Obama leadership.

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'See Detroit' Campaign All White

DETROIT (World News Bureau) - A company's ad campaign promoting Detroit was met with outrage because it featured only hip, happy white people, in a city that is 85% black and 100% grim. 

The ad was a window wrap on a downtown Detroit building owned by a real estate company, featuring a crowd of people accompanied with the slogan "See Detroit Like We Do." Adding to insult, reports say the white people in the ad were from a photo taken at a Trump rally in Arizona and Photoshopped into a photo of downtown Detroit.

The company quickly replaced the image with one more accurately reflecting the real Detroit (below, bottom).

 

Trump Blasts 'Colored People' Group

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - President Trump responded Monday to criticism of his plans to decline an invitation to address the National NAACP Convention.

Former NAACP president and candidate for Maryland governor Ben Jealous said over the weekend that Trump's decision showed 'a lack of respect' in breaking the nearly half century tradition.

The President responded to Jealous's comments this morning with the following Tweet:

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Food Stamp Use Plummets

Participation in the food stamp program has declined to a new seven year low, according to new data from the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA).

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Junk Food Consumption Plummets

Former first lady Michelle Obama is being credited with reports that snack food and soft drink consumption have declined to a seven year low.

Mrs. Obama's "Just Move Your Ass" campaign promoted healthy eating and exercise for Americans and was responsible for, at least temporarily, instituting nutritional lunches in schools.

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Democrats Roll Out New Slogan

Minority leaders Sen. Chuck Schumer (RTRD-NY) and Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-CA) have joined forces to introduce a new slogan to rally their party around: "More Free Sh*t Than You Can Possibly Imagine."

"We need to stop with the broad, ideological platitudes that mean little to our base, and speak plainly to the issues that most concern them," Schumer told reporters Friday.

Slogans that were reportedly rejected included "We F*cking Hate Republicans," "Dignity Through Need," and "Heading In The Left Direction!"

 

 

Maxine Waters For President?

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Rep. Maxine Water's (RTRD-Ca) scheduled appearance in the early presidential primary state of New Hampshire on Sunday is further evidence that the feisty-but-confused senior citizen is planning on running for president in 2020.

Adding to expectations is an anonymously posted campaign flyer mock up (below) that appears to confirm reports that Waters will court favor with Hispanics by taking on her mother's maiden name, Padilla. 

 

 

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New Sex Robot Has 'Rape' Setting

A new sex robot features a 'rape' setting where it negatively reacts to physical contact with its 'private areas.'

The rape setting is one of several personalities programmed into the 'Roxxxy TrueCompanion' robot on sale now. 

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 Doctor Plans To Bring Brain-dead Back To Life

Dr. Sergei Paylian of Florida has pioneered a biomedical technology for human neuro-regeneration and neuro-reanimation he calls bioquantines - 'combinatorial biologics.'

Paylian's company, Bioquark, is preparing to conduct experimental treatments on patients who have experienced complete and irreversible loss of brain function, or brain death.

Sources say Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (RTRD-Tx) will be his first test subject. 

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Clinton Foundation Goes High-Tech

Visitors to the Clinton Foundation offices in New York are being greeted by a new robotic receptionist. 

Foundation head Bill Clinton calls the robot a 'futuristic symbol' of the recently reformed organization. "Sometimes I forget she's a robot," he joked.

Afghan Sesame Street Gender Equality Backfires

KABUL, Afghanistan (World News Bureau) - The Afghanistan version of Sesame Street's attempt to promote gender equality proved to be unsuccessful after only several episodes.

"Baghch-e-SimSim" recently added a 4-year-old boy character named Zeerak to be the brother of Zari, a 6-year-old girl. The idea was for Zeerak to treat his sister as an equal, a concept still foreign to much of Afghan society.

The trouble began when a male child member of the cast accidentally made contact with the Zari puppet's chest area, forcing the local production company to script Zeerak stabbing Zari to death in an honor killing to protect their family's reputation.

"Obviously, we would like to have seen this handled differently," said Sesame Street's Joel Ruben, "but we understand that different cultures require individual storylines, so we're good with it."

 

 

 

McCain Recovering From Emergency Surgery

PHOENIX, Arizona (World News Bureau) - Arizona Senator John McCain is resting comfortably after undergoing emergency surgery on Friday.

Sources say doctors discovered a 'suspicious area' near the left frontal lobe of the 80-year-old politician during a routine annual physical. Testing determined the area to be an approximately two inch pocket of conservatism, which was then successfully removed during a three-hour surgery.

"We are comfortable that we got it all. A scan done Sunday morning showed no further traces of conservatism in the Senator," said Dr. Sanjeve Gupta, Head of Neurology at the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix.

UPDATE: Please be aware this was written before Senator McCain was diagnosed with cancer. My prayers are with the Senator and his loved ones.

 

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Working Long Hours Raises Heart Risks

Researchers have concluded that people who work long hours are 40 per cent more likely to suffer serious heart problems than those who don't work or work few hours.

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Democrats Live Longer Than Republicans

A new study has found that registered Democrats are outliving their Republican counterparts by an average of nearly 10 years.

The study, recently published in the New Haven Medical Journal, attributes Republican's shorter lives to higher incidences of heart disease but researchers are at a loss to explain why.

"It makes little sense as Republicans eat healthier, smoke and drink less, and do far fewer illegal drugs than Democrats. We can't figure it out." said one scientist.

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 Strong Earthquake Rattles Oklahoma

A powerful earthquake rattled much of Oklahoma Friday this morning.

People in a number of cities and towns across Oklahoma reported violent shaking during the quake, followed by numerous aftershocks. "It was real bad - we couldn't hardly stand up," said one dazed Wal-Mart shopper.

Authorities say it will take several days to determine if the quakes caused any damage, as they review before and after photos of the areas hit.

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 WaPo: Global Warming May Cause Polar Bears To Eat People

The internationally-esteemed scientific journal, The Washington Post, recently published an article warning that climate change will likely cause polar bears to develop a taste for humans. 

The report titled ‘Polar bears hurt by climate change are more likely to turn to a new food source — humans,’ cites a new study claiming higher global temperatures will make it more likely polar bears will interact with humans, increasing the chances of an attack.

"Once it gets so hot you're going to see polar bears approaching humans to borrow ice or even wanting a few minutes in front of the air conditioner, and that's potentially a recipe for disaster. Suddenly you've got an overheated 700 lb. bear in your living room and the next thing you know they smell some pizza rolls in the kitchen and think it's you - six hours later you're a frozen pile of poop next to a stream," the article quotes one climate researcher.

 

 

Baltimore Residents Asked To Temporarily Stop Killing Each Other

BALTIMORE, Maryland (World News Bureau) - A grassroots group has initiated a campaign urging Baltimore citizens to stop killing each other for a few days.

Seasefire ^(sp) Baltimore's message is "Nobody Kill Nobody" from August 4th through the 6th. 

"We are asking our residents to get their killing done before that Friday and do other kinds of crimes for a few days. God willing, we are going to have 72 hours of peace, then look the f*ck out," organizer Prophet Rev. Shawanna Dee Dee Jackson told reporters.

Posters (below) have been going up all over Baltimore for the last few weeks.

 

 

Michelle Obama Photo Book Coming Out

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) — A collection of White House pictures of Michelle Obama is coming out October 17, Ten Speed Press told The Associated Press on Tuesday.

"Chasing Light" (below) will feature 150 color shots and personal commentary by White House photographer Amanda Lucidon.

 

 

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Hillary Gets "Nasty" For Abortion

 

 

Maxine Waters Does It Again

 

 

Army Establishes Transgender Shower Protocol

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - The Army has set guidelines for the mixing of transgendered and normal individuals in shower areas. 

"Tier Three Transgender Training" outlines rules for the co-mingling of mentally ill men pretending to be women and biological women in showers:

Biological Females: Shower Protocol

• Be prepared for the possibility that one or more of your fellow females may have a penis. 
• In the event you find yourself in close quarters with a "woman" having a penis, any reaction involving running, screaming, pointing, or laughing is considered unacceptable and must be suppressed.
• Maintain a minimum 5' distance from all penises at all times.
• All soap must be on a rope worn around the neck. If the soap somehow falls to the floor, do not pick it up. Call a commanding officer or shower attendant.
• For your safety, shower chairs will be provided for sitting while shaving your legs.
• Leave the shower immediately and contact a commanding officer if you see another woman's "little soldier" "standing at attention."
• In the unlikely event a woman deliberately touches you with her penis, as per the military rules of engagement you are allowed to initiate hand-to-penis combat until the enemy is neutralized or retreats.

Transgendered 'Women' Shower Protocol

• Keep your penis at least 5' away from all females (and everyone else) at all times. 
• Avoid excessive pelvic lathering.

 

 

California Moving To Become Sanctuary State

LOS ANGELES (World News Bureau) - California is moving closer to becoming a sanctuary state for undocumented immigrants. Senate Bill 54 or the "California Values Act," will bar Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents from doing their jobs.

Critics say the legislation has more to do with profits than values, pointing to recent reports that millions of dollars of support have come from spray paint manufacturers and fast food outlets whose names end in "bertos."

In possibly-related news, Arizona Governor Doug Ducey has announced plans for the construction of what will be the world's largest moving walkway (below). The proposed single direction walkway will extend from the Arizona border near Tucson to Blythe, California.

 

 

Ben Carson Replies To Maxine Waters Threat

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - This morning Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson replied to Maxine Waters' (RTRD-Ca) statement threatening to "take his ass apart" should he appear before a committee she's a member of (below).

Aides say Waters is "diligently working on a response."

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Ben Carson responds to Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca)

 

Happy Independence Day!

The American Dream - 2017