World News Bureau

POTUS Responds To Pope Climate Change Plea

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - World renowned atmospheric scientist and climatologist, Pope Francis, called upon world leaders on Wednesday to "listen to the cry of the Earth and the cry of the poor, who suffer most because of the unbalanced ecology."

In typical fashion, President Trump responded this morning by social media to the Pope's request (below).

This is the second time during his presidency that Trump has interacted with the Pope about climate change. In May, during their meeting at the Vatican, the pontiff gifted President Trump with a copy of the climate encyclical as the POTUS considered whether the U.S. should exit from the Paris climate agreement. After pulling the U.S. from the agreement, Trump reportedly used the thick document to fuel a Rose Garden campfire where he and his staff enjoyed hot dogs and s'mores.

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Kim Jong-un Sends Panicked Japanese Fleeing

TOKYO, Japan (World News Bureau) - North Korean leader Kim Jong-un sent thousands of terrified Japanese citizens running for their lives Tuesday.

As civil defense sirens blared, panicked mobs ran through the streets of Tokyo in a show of mass hysteria not seen in this country since the early 1960s.

"All I hear is Kim coming with God-know-how-many-kilo-ton," said one businessman who ran nearly 10 miles before collapsing. 

Some psychologists believe that for reasons unknown, the Japanese seem to have an exaggerated fear of nuclear attack - if Tuesday's events are any indication, they may be correct.

 

 

ANTIFA Trump Protesters Arrested In Texas

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas (World News Bureau) - Six self-proclaimed 'ANTIFA Marines' on a mission to disrupt President Trump's visit to hurricane-ravaged South Texas were rescued from flood waters and taken into custody Tuesday morning.

Sources say Corpus Christi Police received reports of several masked individuals on an overturned boat in the swollen Tule Lake Channel. After rescuing the men aged 19-24, police found clubs, "paint bombs," several misspelled signs, and nearly a half pound of soggy marijuana on the boat. The men were taken into custody on a variety of charges.

Corpus Christi Police Chief  Mike Markle described the incident to reporters: "Well, we showed up and there were a bunch of kids nearly drowned out there. They all had on ski masks which were, of course, soaked so they couldn't breathe. Also, several of the individuals were black so, you know, swimming for them was not an option. Anyway, they said they were 'Marines' on a mission to protest the President. We arrested them and confiscated their boat." 

According to a press release from ANTIFA: "The ANTIFA Marines are an elite unit trained in both land and water anti-fascist operations." 

 

 

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Two Million Muslims Converge On Mecca For Hajj

Millions of Muslims from across the globe are converging this week on Mecca, Saudi Arabia for the hajj pilgrimage. The hajj is one of the five pillars of the Islamic faith, which every Muslim is required to complete at least once in a lifetime.

"This year we expect around two million pilgrims," Ihabahhari Azcrakk, director of hajj and umra (lesser pilgrimage) affairs, told WNB.

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Houston Mayor Defends No Evacuation Order

In the face of Katrina-like flooding and human misery, Houston Democrat Mayor Sylvester Turner is defending his decision to not call for a mandatory evacuation. 

"Look, it's not like it's gasoline or acid - it's just water, people. If you've ever taken a bath, you've been in a flood, albeit without the poisonous snakes, floating fire ant islands, underwater debris ripping off your genitals, or likelihood of drowning. I really think everyone is over-reacting here."

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President And First Lady To Visit Texas Tomorrow 

President Trump and wife Melania will visit hurricane-ravished Texas on Tuesday. 

As the closest major, secure airport above water is in the Dallas area, President Trump will visit Texas Governor Abbot for lunch atop that city's tallest building, the Bank of America Plaza, while gazing south and watching a closed-circuit live feed of rescue efforts underway in Houston.

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Maxine Waters Wows At MTV Movie Awards

Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca) received a standing ovation at the MTV Movie Awards Monday night.

The California politician wowed the young audience by wearing a daring Beyonce-style outfit (below) that demonstrated a woman can be sexy well into her late 90s.

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Authorities Seek Cause Of Sudden Outbreak of Sexual Assaults

World health organizations are attempting to figure out why sexual assaults of underage boys skyrocket annually in a region of the Middle East.

Authorities report that nearly seven out of ten boys under the age of 13 in the vicinity of Mecca, Saudi Arabia are victims of sexual assault by older men around this time every year. 

 

 

Maxine Waters Blames Trump For Hurricane Harvey

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca) blasted President Trump on Friday's Morning Joe for creating Hurricane Harvey by pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord.

"It is perhaps only fitting that Hurricane Harper will drown primarily those people who voted for Donald Trump - a man whose careless disregard for climate change is responsible for this deadly storm," said Waters. "The fact that countries still in the Paris Climate Accord are not under attack by hurricanes right now is all I need to know."

Rep. Waters went on to call for the impeachment of President Trump, the imprisonment of his children. and the distribution of their assets to low income, minority, and LGBTQ individuals.

 

 

Pressured NFL Offers Kaepernick A Job

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Sources report that the National Football League has relented under increasing pressure from left wing groups to employ Colin Kaepernick. 

"It came down to the team owners being forced to draw straws - the Cardinals lost," said an NFL insider.

The Arizona Cardinals have reportedly created an 'executive off-field position' for the wildly unpopular Black Lives Matter advocate. Preparations for Kaepernick's arrival are said to include additional security measures and the acquisition of 'the world's largest hairnet."

 

 

Hillary Reads Excerpt From Her New Book

 

 

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Congressional Black Caucus Threatening Impeachment

America's highest government-sanctioned racist organization, the Congressional Black Caucus, is threatening impeachment proceedings against President Trump over what they consider to be his racist condemnation of violent leftist thugs as well as white nationalists at Charlottesville last week.

A senior White House source said they aren't worried, as "most of these morons think 'impeachment' has to do with drowning someone in peaches."

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Progressives Petition Bernie Sanders To Start New Party

Some of Senator Bernie Sanders' supporters are getting together to petition him to start another political party.

Led by Sanders' former national political director, Nick Brana, the "Draft Bernie" organization has rallied staff and volunteers across the country to gather signatures for a petition calling on Sanders to form a new party tentatively called "The American Communist Party."

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Puerto Rico Pressing For Statehood

The Island of Puerto Rico is stepping up its efforts to become America's 52nd state. 

Trump administration sources say that if accepted for statehood, the bankrupt cesspool of crime and government corruption/incompetence would be renamed "The Island of Detroit."

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The "Village Voice" To Cease Publication

The free newspaper, "The Village Voice" will discontinue publication after nearly 60 years.

The unexpected move is expected to have a negative economic impact on local designer jockstrap and anal lube advertisers, as well as force hundreds of men into city parks and restrooms after the popular Personals section is gone.

 

Maxine Waters Blasts Trump For Eclipse

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - This morning Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca) blasted the Trump administration for today's solar eclipse.

"Not once during President Obama's 10-year presidency was the American people deprived of natural sunlight that so many rely upon to see clearly during the day. I hold President Trump personally responsible and will add this grievous injustice to the growing list of impeachable offenses against him," Waters told Today Show host Matt Lauer.

 

 

Politically Correct Statue To Replace Robert E. Lee

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (World News Bureau) - New Orleans Mayor "Mitch" Landrieu has approved a replacement for the statue of Robert E. Lee that was removed in May.

Landrieu and his team spent the last two months working to come up with an American historical symbol that would have broad acceptance while incorporating contemporary values. The final choice, titled "Naughty Natives," features preening gay American Indians (below) "symbolizing America's past and future."

The commission for Naughty Natives was awarded to a local artist and is scheduled to be completed early next year.

 

New Orleans Robert E. Lee replacement statue "Naughty Natives" (City of New Orleans)

 

Company Introduces "Sorry I'm White" Clothing Line

SCOTTSDALE, Arizona (World News Bureau) - Online clothier, Wyte Gilt^TM,  has introduced a new line of tee shirts for "socially conscious, low-melanin individuals" in response to recent events.

Entrepreneur and online news maven, Scooter Van Neuter, developed the line after struggling with his own sense of identity:

"Like many Caucasians, through the media and academia lately I have become painfully aware of the damage my whiteness is inflicting on society. I've tried everything to escape this curse - excessive tanning, wearing hoodies, speaking Ebonics and listening to rap, marching with Black Lives Matter, even cursing at every police officer I come across, but it wasn't enough - that's when I came up with my Wyte Gilt^TM line."

Shirts are available with the taglines "Sorry I'm white," "I'm white, please hit me," and "I'm white so I must be a Nazi - sorry" and retail online for $47.99 each plus shipping and handling.

 

 

ANTIFA Creating Elite Anti-Conservative Group

BERKELEY, California (World News Bureau) - The loosely organized group of self-styled 'anti-fascist warriors' calling itself 'Antifa' has announced they are creating an elite squad to battle privileged whites, conservatives, Republicans, capitalists, pro-lifers, Constitutionalists, Christians, and anyone who voted for Donald Trump.

The FFF, which stands for "F*cking Fascist Fighters," consists of elements of Black Lives Matters, The American Communist Party, the LGBTQ community, The New Black Panthers, numerous pro-abortion groups, La Raza, Southern Poverty Law Center, Socialists United, Louise Farrakhan's Nation of Islam, and of course, the Democrat Party.

In order to safeguard themselves from the Trump administration, FFF members' identities will be concealed by their unique uniforms and clandestine meetings in remote, secret locations. Members will be privy to secret handshakes and passwords, and their calling card will be a flaming inverted cross (below).

"We needed a unique look to set us apart - edgy and hip, yet ominous and foreboding so the right knows we mean business," said ANTIFA Secretary of War Myron Farklestein III at a news conference Wednesday morning.

 

 

Kim Fine Tunes Guam Attack Plan

PYONGYANG, DPRK (World News Bureau) -  After reviewing his military's plan for a missile attack on the island of Guam, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un says he is going to hold off implementation while he personally "fine-tunes it for maximum effectiveness" while monitoring President Trump's Twitter feed. 

"He (Trump) get squirrely with me, my big rocket gonna blow, I swear to God," Kim was quoted as saying Tuesday by the state-run newspaper.

A photo released this morning shows the plush yet fiery Kim going over every detail of the launch plan with his top generals (below).

 

Elizabeth Warren Whips Crowd Into Frenzy

 

Trump To Kim: We Will Respond In Kind

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Trump Goes Low - Insults Kim's Father

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Trump / Kim Engage In Twitter War

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Dutch Airline Targets Horny Gays

AMSTELVEEN, Netherlands (World News Bureau) - KLM Royal Dutch Airlines is making a play for an increasingly large and affluent demographic - horny homosexuals.

While the airline's new ad featuring inoperable seat belts (below) for same sex couples and double-entendre tagline is credited with a nearly 7% increase in gay passengers, inside sources say an accompanying spike in public indecency on flights is chasing away straight flyers, negating the campaign's overall effectiveness.

 

 

Boy-On-Boy Animated Tale A Hit

NEW YORK - (World News Bureau) - A new animated video about a "closeted" young boy who finds his sexual identity at the hands (and other appendages) of a male schoolmate has garnered more than 21 million views and 188,000 comments as of Monday after hitting YouTube only a week ago.

"Young Buns," shows a red-haired boy (Ronee) discovered pleasuring himself by a dark-haired boy (Fab) — the "most popular boy in school" — during recess. The tender 4-minute coming-of-age video concludes with Ronee finding the courage to sodomize his new best friend in an empty classroom.

A Yahoo review called the video "the LGBTQ film that we’ve been waiting for - innocent young boys transformed into immoral, depraved hose beasts. Hot hot hot."

 

Lena Dunham Attempts To Shame Flight Attendants

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Actress, activist, and part-time parade float Lena Dunham tried to get two American Airlines employees in trouble this week for making disparaging comments about transgender people.

Dunham claimed Wednesday night that she overheard a conversation between two female attendants who said that "transness is gross," prompting the hefty heffalump to report the incident on social media in an apparent attempt to get American to punish the employees. 

Unfortunately, the move may have backfired on the pontificating porker when one of the flight attendants responded to her Tweet, saying, "Sorry, I thought you were some dumpy, fat guy masquerading as a woman."

 

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