World News Bureau

Frantic NFL Presents Teams With Protest Options

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Sources say the National Football League is desperately working to stem plummeting revenues and fan satisfaction over player protests during the National Anthem.

In a conference call with team owners Thursday night, the League reportedly offered the following list of acceptable protest options as long as players stand during the Anthem:

Wear American flag shoe insoles

Silently fart

Cross fingers of left hand behind back

Glance at small 'F*CK THE U.S.' signs hidden from public view

Pretend to sing anthem while substituting words of support for Black Lives Matter, anti-Trump, etc.

Combination of above

Accept $10K bonus per game for hand on heart and loudly singing Anthem with tears in eyes

Inside NFL sources say players on at least 15 teams have agreed to the new guidelines and believe the rest will fall in line before the weekend.

 

Trump Charged With Inciting NFL Fan Violence

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Critics of President Trump are accusing him of inciting fan violence after the President suggested Green Bay Packer fans physically resist participating in that team's attempt to unite fans with players in protest during the playing of the National Anthem at tonight's game (below).

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 Venezuela Prepares For War With U.S.

Venezuela's President Nicolas Maduro called on his nation's military leaders Tuesday to prepare for war against the U.S. days after the Trump administration banned Venezuelan officials from entering the nation. 

A Pentagon spokesman said they are taking the threat seriously, as the latest satellite images indicate the tank and both jeeps are undergoing oil changes and the Venezuelan Army has been seen training at the park.

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Infidelity Detected In Voice 

A recently published study shows how to determine if a partner has cheated by certain inflections in their voice.

The study, published by Evolutionary Psychology and titled "Your Cheatin' Voice Will Tell On You: Detection Of Past Infidelity From Voice," claims the technique is over 80% accurate.

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 Sheila Jackson Lee Faces Fine After Kneeling On House Floor

Sources say Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (RTRD-Tx) will be fined for kneeling on the House Floor Monday after colleagues noticed a large urine stain on the carpet where she knelt.

"Yeah, it appears Sheila peed all over the place. Whether it was an accident or intentional, I don't know, but someone's got to pay to clean it up - the smell makes you want to vomit," said Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan.

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Bill Clinton Loses Voice

Doctors are struggling to determine what has caused former president Bill Clinton to suddenly lose his voice. The 71-year-old politician reportedly went mute on Tuesday while sitting in his therapist's waiting room. 

"All indications are it is likely an allergic reaction or possibly a virus of some type. Fortunately, outside of losing his voice, Mr. Clinton otherwise feels fine," said Dr. Naresh Tratahindi. 

 

 

Trump Ridicules Kneeling Congresswoman

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - President Trump wasted no time in savagely ridiculing Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (RTRD-Tx) after she kneeled on the House Floor Monday in a show of unity with some NFL players. 

Outraged Democrats condemned the President's comments, calling again for his impeachment. 

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97% Of NFL Players Unsure Of What They're Protesting

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - In a recent polling of 585 NFL players, nearly all of them were unsure of exactly what they are protesting.

Here's a sampling of responses to the question "What are you protesting by kneeling during the National Anthem?"

"Pretty sure it's against Nazis - especially the white ones."

"We're protesting America becoming capitalistic instead of equal."

"I'm protesting against Trump saying black lives don't matter."

"We're against global warming and the police."

"We're showing the world that we care about, ahh, things such as... such as...ahhhhh, freedom from suppression?"

"Me and my fellow players are protesting the Constitution of Independence because of what it does to people of color."

"We are displaying our right to stand up by kneeling for our beliefs."

"We are protesting Trump, because he, you know, keeping the black man down and sh*t."

"Myself is kneeling to show that just because I'm American don't mean I got to act like one."

 

 

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Puerto Rico: Storm Aftermath Mix Bag

Days after being pounded by Hurricane Maria, A preliminary assessment of Puerto Rico indicates the situation, while dire, may be better than expected.

The bad:

• Nearly the whole island is without electricity and may remain so for weeks and possibly months in some areas.
• Water and sewage treatment facilities are expected to be offline for weeks.
• Multiple bridges and roads were damaged, making travel in most areas either difficult or impossible.
• Approximately 87% of all commerce has been affected negatively.

The good:

• The storm left most towns and cities noticeably more attractive than before.
• San Juan now has a 'clean and fresh' smell most people find appealing.
• At least half the cockroach and rat population appears to have drowned.

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Bill Clinton's First Novel To Become TV Series 

Former president Bill Clinton's unpublished first novel has already been sold to Showtime. 

'Beltway Beavers' is set to be published in 2018 and is described as 'a coming of age tale set against a backdrop of political power and intrigue.'

The project was hotly sought after by studios and networks. CBS chairman and CEO Leslie Moonves - who has a long-standing relationship with Clinton - personally helped make the deal.

 

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Woman Threatens To Kill Kardashians 

An unidentified woman brandishing a large machete showed up at a retail store in West Hollywood owned by reality stars Kourtney, Kim, and Khloe Kardashian on Thursday, threatening to kill them all. 

Police said the heavyset woman, wearing a distinctive jacket with white skulls and a bandana, had earlier walked into the store and pointed a gun at a worker behind the counter. "I will f*cking cut open these talentless skanks and use their implants as exercise balls!" the woman reportedly screamed before fleeing.

Police are asking the public for help in identifying the woman.

 

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Public Rallies Support For Unidentified Woman

A Kickstarter campaign established to raise money for a female identified only by a security camera photograph generated over $2.8 million in its first six hours - a record.  

The 'KK' campaign was started this morning by the 'KK Society', a new group already boasting over three million worldwide members on social media. The stated purpose of money raised is to 'equip this individual and others like her with whatever tools are needed to make the world a better place.'

Authorities are reportedly monitoring the online campaign with an interest in speaking to the woman if and when she comes forward.

 

 

 

Trump Responds To Vatican Criticism

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - President Trump took to social media (below) on Thursday to respond to sharp criticism from the Vatican about his recent UN address.

"The threat or use of military force has no place in countering proliferation, and the threat or use of nuclear weapons in countering nuclear proliferation is deplorable," Vatican Secretary for Relations with States, Archbishop Paul R. Gallagher, told the UN on Wednesday.

Gallagher went on to criticize Trump's building up a strong military: "We must put behind us the nuclear threats, fear, military superiority, ideology, and unilateralism that drive proliferation and modernization efforts and are so reminiscent of the logic of the Cold War."

This isn't the first time President Trump has traded words with the Vatican.

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President Trump responds to Vatican criticisms

 

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Hurricane Maria Obliterating Puerto Rico 

Hurrican Maria has made a direct hit on Puerto Rico and reports say the island is being 'utterly obiterated,' prompting fears of heavy casualties.

Sorry, we've had enough hurricane news lately. Next.

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Hundreds Dead In Massive Mexican Earthquake

Hey, it's Mexico. Next.

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Apocalypse This Saturday

A noted Christian numerologist has joined a number of religious and secular prophets, astrologists, psychics, and clairvoyants in predicting the world will suffer a cataclysmic apocalypse ending life as we know it on Saturday.

*YAWN* Next story.

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Pentagon: North Korea Preparing Pre-emptive Strike on U.S.

An anonymous Pentagon insider says Kim Jong-un is preparing a pre-emptive nuclear strike on Washington DC with the belief it will decapitate the U.S. government and its ability to wage war. 

Sounds like as good a target as any. Next.

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 WORLD REELS AS KIM KARDASHIAN RUSHED TO HOSPITAL

The shocking news that Kim Kardashian was taken to a New York hospital has brought the world community together in an unprecidented outpouring of good wishes and prayer.

Sources say Kardashian complained of not feeling well yesterday, and spent most of the day in bed at her Four Seasons suite. Early this morning, doctors were reportedly summoned and shortly afterward Kardashian was transported by limousine to an area hospital suffering from what one insider called 'the worst urinary tract infection ever.'

Response from world leaders was immediate:

• Pope Francis said on social media: I pray for healing and restoration for our beloved Kim and call on God Almighty to comfort us all in this time of darkness."
• British Prime Minister Theresa May said in a special radio broadcast Wednesday, "Words cannot adequately convey our sadness and concern for this paragon of hope. The British people send their fervent prayers for Kim's healing and comfort for her loved ones."
• Chinese President Xi Jinping was quoted in his country's largest newspaper today, "We join the world in wishing well to Ms. Kardashian."
• Russian President Vladimir Putin relayed a personal message through the Russian ambassador to the U.S.: "Times such as this remind us all that regardless of differing cultures and ideologies, we are a community of man - all striving for happiness and well-being. Few people on earth more brightly epitomize these qualities than Kim Kardashian. The Russian people unite in wishing her a full recovery and continued blessings."

As a weary world holds its breath, there is yet no word on how long Kardashian may be hospitalized.

 

 

Pelosi Traumatized By 'Dreamer' Outburst

SAN FRANCISCO (World News Bureau) - Rep. Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-Ca) was badly shaken on Monday when a group of illegal immigrants unexpectedly started yelling and chanting as she attempted to give an address supporting DACA.

The event began calmly with a smiling, blinking Pelosi at the podium surrounded by Congresswoman Barbara Lee and Congressman Jared Huffman, community leaders, and a group of 'Dreamers.' As Pelosi started speaking, the illegals suddenly hoisted signs and broke into loud catcalls and chants, sending the frightened octogenarian ducking behind the lectern yelling for help while frantically removing her watch and jewelry and stuffing them into her bra.

A reporter's microphone picked up the frantic lawmaker's cries as aides rushed to calm her: "Oh, sweet Jesus! Somebody shoot these beaners before they rob and kill us all!"

A shaken Rep. Pelosi was escorted from the event and reportedly treated for uncontrolled incontinence and cardiac arrhythmia at a local hospital.

 

 

Liberal Businesses Posting 'No Hate' Signs

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - A growing number of businesses are posting signs stating 'Hate Has No Business Here' in an effort to turn away patrons who do not agree with their liberal ideologies.

The signs (below) pledge support for women, blacks, LGBT members, refugees, immigrants, and people of (nearly) all faiths.

Fortunately for conservatives, the vast majority of establishments featuring the signs either 'suck' or 'suck ass' according to a nonpartisan organization monitoring the trend.

 

 

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Baltimore Shuts Down Bike-Share Program

The City of Baltimore has been forced to discontinue their bike-share program after nearly all of the bicycles were stolen. 

The bike-share program launched last fall with 200 bicycles at 20 stations and was supposed to grow to 500 bicycles at 50 stations in the spring, but bikes were stolen faster than they could be replaced, leaving a total of four bikes in the system at the time the program was terminated.

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Vatican Recalls Priest Amid Child Porn Investigation

A high-ranking priest working in the Vatican's embassy in Washington has been recalled after U.S. prosecutors asked for him to be charged there and face trial in a child pornography investigation, Vatican and U.S. officials said Friday.

"Of course we are disturbed by these allegations as nothing like this has ever happened before, to the best of my recollection," said a Vatican spokesman. "If this turns out to be true, this man will be severely punished with no less than 4000 'Hail Marys' and a disapproving stare from the Pontiff himself."

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Quakes Shake San Francisco

A cluster of earthquakes registering magnitude 2.2 - 3.3 struck the Bay Area on Thursday. While many residents were rattled, the  U.S. Geological Society claimed there was nothing to fear as monitored faults in the area were quiet. 

Later, news that the heavily-anticipated "Ultimate Ass Pounders 3-D" video was released earlier in the day appeared to explain the seismic event.

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Baltimore Police Battle Wheeled Crime Wave

Law enforcement in Baltimore, Maryland are perplexed by a massive hit-and-run crime wave perpetrated by groups of individuals riding bicycles.

"We've never seen anything like it," said one police sergeant. "Mobile bands of bike-riding thugs are robbing stores and individuals throughout the city - even the good areas. We think California gangs are smuggling in bikes from somewhere - probably Mexico. All I know is it's a mess."

 

 

 

Pelosi, Schumer Sway President?

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - According to social media posts by Nancy Pelosi and Chuch Schumer, their dinner last night with President Trump (below) convinced him to provide amnesty for 'Dreamers' while temporarily giving up on the building of a border wall. 

"I think it's pretty clear that Pelosi manipulated the President," said one disenfranchised GOP member. "It's the way things are done in San Francisco."

President Trump is expected to give his formal decision on DACA soon.

 

President Trump dines with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer (API)

 

 

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Mystery Sea Monster Washes Up On Shore

Experts are struggling to identify a bizarre creature that washed ashore following Hurricane Harvey. The freakish creature was spotted decaying on a beach in Texas City, Texas, once the superstorm had cleared (below).

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Outrage As Enhanced TSA Pat-Downs Focus On Pelvic Area

The TSA is being inundated by protests and threats of lawsuits by angry passengers who call new pat-down procedures a form of sexual assault. Undercover reports show TSA agents touch a passenger's genitals an average of eight times during the new procedures. 

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Bill Clinton Traveling America

Former president Bill Clinton has recently been seen flying to numerous towns and cities across the Northwest United States. Sources say the former president doesn't venture outside the airports, usually staying just long enough to enjoy a beer before boarding another flight.

Speculation is that Clinton may be researching domestic air travel as part of a board membership with a travel agency or airline.

 

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Experts: Nancy Pelosi Suffering Intellectual, Moral Retardation

Medical and behavioral experts say that Rep. Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-Ca) is going "full retard" after a number of embarrassing public appearances where she slurred her words, went blank, and spoke gibberish. Associates also report the blinky octogenarian often laughs at inappropriate times, farts uncontrollably, and "smells like a diaper on a beach." 

Experts diagnosed Pelosi as having a severe case of moral retardation several years ago after she met with the Pope and lectured him that Jesus Christ would be 'a big fan' of abortion.

 

Mysterious creature left behind my Hurricane  Harvey (API) 

 

TSA Initiates 'Enhanced' Pat-Downs

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - The TSA has initiated a new, 'enhanced' pat-down procedure that has the industry bracing for widespread passenger unhappiness over the more invasive searches.

We sent WNB investigative reporter Heather Hepperin posing as a passenger to Phoenix's Sky Harbor Airport to find out firsthand what's changed. 

Our hidden camera caught Hepperin being pulled aside by a transgender TSA agent, then forced to stand with arms raised as the agent stood behind her and ran the palms of his hands down the reporter's sides and back. The agent then reached around and made a series of "figure 8s" around the passenger's breasts, before squeezing them while making a "squeaking" sound. The TSA agent then knelt on the floor, turned the passenger toward him, and proceeded to repeatedly stroke her inner thighs while sweating profusely. The pat-down ended with the agent standing and grasping the passenger's buttocks and pulling her close, using a belt-mounted sniffer to check for explosive devices. Apparently satisfied, the agent then allowed our passenger to move on.

"I found it degrading," said Hepperin. "I need a cigarette and a bath."

 

 

 

Maxine Waters: "They Want To Kill Me"

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca) claims members of some 'alt-right' groups are wanting to kill her.

Waters on Wednesday asked terror experts for answers on how to combat those she said are sending her death threats. "What can we do to deal with the KKK, the white nationalists, the Nazis, the Presbyterians, and that awful Pepe the Frog character? Go look at Breitbart and  YouTube, you see how much they want to kill me."

A GOP spokesman was quick to dispute Water's claims: "That is absolutely ridiculous - I assure you, there are literally millions of people not in those groups who want her dead just as much or more."

In a spirit of bipartisanship, one conservative group says they are going to mount a public campaign of support for Waters by distributing free tee shirts featuring the paranoid octogenarian (below).

 

 

Trump Strikes White House Deal With Pelosi, Schumer

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - In a surprise blow to GOP leaders, President Trump struck a short-term fiscal deal with Democrats Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer at a White House meeting on Wednesday.

The deal, providing nearly $8 billion in Hurricane Harvey relief with a three-month extension of government funding and increase in the debt ceiling, was made by the President over the objections of Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who were later seen drinking together in a midtown bar.

 

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-Ca) and Sen. Chuck Schumer (RTRD-NY) (API)

 

Cher Offers To Share Her Home With 'Dreamers'

LOS ANGELES, California (World News Bureau) - In response to the Trump administration's repeal of DACA, Cher took to social media on Tuesday imploring Americans to offer their homes as places of refuge to "dreamers," saying she will do the same.

Sources say this move is nothing new for the octogenarian entertainer, citing Cher's history of coercing illegal immigrants to move into her home, although few stay for long.

"Every time there's a story about an illegal immigrant, she offers them 'refuge.' After a few weeks, they take off broke, exhausted, and more often than not, nursing a serious STD - but her home is always immaculately clean, and her yard is absolutely perfect. Trust me, Cher loves Trump."

 

 

Melania Who? Michelle Obama Sizzles In Tahiti

MOOREA, Tahiti (World News Bureau) - Just days after upstaging Melania Trump's high-heel fashion faux pas with a provocative show of thigh, Michelle Obama is again reminding the world of why she remains the sexiest First Lady in history.

Michelle took time out of her family's month-long Tahitian vacation to model for reporters a sizzling pink swimsuit that accentuated her toned assets to perfection (below).

Since leaving office, the Obamas have been vacationing like rock stars with the hippest people on the planet, including Richard Branson, Oprah Winfrey, Bruce Springfield, David Geffen, and Tom Hanks.

 

Former First Lady Michelle puts Melania to shame

 

Conservative, Liberal Groups Assist Flood Victims

HOUSTON, Texas (World News Bureau) - Politics are taking a back seat in the wake of one of the nation's largest natural disasters, as conservative and liberal groups come forward with aid for Texas flood victims.

Here are the top ten groups offering assistance:

Conservative Groups

National Rifle Association: Water, food, clothing, personal hygiene supplies

Focus On The Family: Water, food, clothing, Bibles, personal hygiene supplies

Southern Baptist Convention: Water, food, clothing, bedding

National Council of Churches: Water, food, clothing, Bibles

American Family Association: Water, food, clothing, personal hygiene supplies

Liberal Groups

NARAL Pro-Choice America: Box wines, abortion discount cards

The National Gay and Lesbian Taskforce: Anal lube, sex toys, children's books

MoveOn.Org: Water, bongs, copies of "Rules For Radicals."

Black Lives Matter: 'Hands up' tee shirts with every $25 donation

Planned Parenthood: 'Pussy' hats, Condoms