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NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Newsweek Magazine is on the verge of being evicted from their offices for non-payment of rent - the latest in a series of artistic, financial, and human resource failures that have rocked the foundering left-wing magazine.
While executives at the magazine staunchly insist the company is merely going through "reorganizational pangs," insiders say management's attempt to engineer a profitable business plan based on 213 subscribers has zero chance of success.
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LONDON (World News Bureau) - The Muslim mayor of London said it is climate change, not immigration, that is responsible for an unprecedented proliferation of rapes in that city - over a 20% increase in just 12 months. Sexual assaults overall are up a staggering 127%.
"Well, it is abundantly clear that climate change is playing a major role in this situation. I have seen with my own eyes the way women are dressing due to the higher temperatures - frankly, it is all I can do to not rape some of them myself," Khan said in a BBC interview on Saturday.
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WORLD NEWS BUREAU - News at the speed of typing®
Citizens Fight To Bar Release Of Tennessee Mayor Photos
A groundswell of public opposition is fighting to block the potential release of photos of Nashville Mayor Megan Barry after the Tennesse Bureau of Investigation recently announced they have photos reportedly taken by her lover and bodyguard showing the flabby, middle-aged mayor "sprawled out naked like a greasy, dead hog."
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Governor Attempts To Bond With Black Voters
Illinois Gov Bruce Rauner took part in an unusual demonstration involving malt liquor and "Purple Drank" to promote diversity during a Black History Month event in Chicago on Wednesday.
Sipping a 40 oz. Colt .45 Malt Liquor after downing the Purple Drank cough syrup/Arizona Ice Tea/Skittles concoction made famous by black community martyr Trayvon Martin, the Governor told reporters, "Damn - that's the shiznit, 'fo sure. I'm trippin' like a mofo!"
Later, Rauner was found beaten and robbed beside his car outside the event.
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Marines Adjust Entrance Requirements
The Marine Corps announced on Thursday that they are relaxing physical requirements in an attempt to conform to diversity standards adopted during the Obama administration.
Effective immediately, female females and transgender females must be able to hike approximately 500 feet equipped with a small fanny pack. Gay males must be able to hike approximately 1000 feet wearing a camouflage jock strap while carrying a designer handbag containing a small dog.
People of color will still be required to travel 15 km but will now do it on the shoulders of a Caucasian.
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Russia Testing New Stealth Jet Over Syria
U.S. advisors believe Russia is testing its new SU-57 stealth fighter in the skies over Syria.
"We keep hearing these jet noises overhead even though there's nothing up there. Pretty sure it's the new SU-57," said one U.S. commander who managed to photograph it (below).
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SUNRISE, Florida (World News Bureau) - A prominent psychiatrist claims the pretend CNN town hall meeting between students and Sen. Rubio and NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch last night answered the critical question of what causes school mass shootings.
"It's clearly the kids. In fact, I believe several on the show were a Mountain Dew away from murdering Rubio and the woman - on live TV, no less," said Professor of Psychiatry, Dr. Ramish Kumar after watching the program.
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GARDENA, California (World News Bureau) - Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca) on Wednesday called for a federal ban on "salt weapons."
Speaking in front of a high school assembly in Gardena, California, Waters told the students, "Everyone knows salt is bad you, yet Trump and the Republicans do everything to make sure crazy students and white nationalists are able to buy all the salt weapons they want. I'm so woke and I'm not going to stand for it, and neither should you."
The manufacturer of one of the most popular salt weapons sold in America (below) called Water's attack "f*cking insane."
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WORLD NEWS BUREAU - News at the speed of typing®
Celebrity Massacres National Anthem
Black Eyed Peas singer, Fergie, apologized for the rendition of the National Anthem she sang Sunday night at the NBA All-Star Game, saying she was just trying something different.
"I was shooting for a Marvin Gaye kinda thing if he were a drunk, talentless, middle-aged white woman receiving an intermittent electric shock from a malfunctioning anal sex toy," said the singer. "I thought I nailed it, but apparently not. I'm sorry."
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Iran: We Will Level Tel Aviv
The former chief of Iran's Revolutionary Guards warned Israel that if attacked, Iran would "level Tel Aviv."
"About Netanyahu’s unwise words, I should say that if they carry out an attack against Iran, we will level Tel Aviv to the ground," said Major General Muhammad S'Azkrak. Of course, that's assuming all are stuff's not melted."
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San Francisco Finalist For "America's Best Liberal Shithole"
An NBC investigation of 153 blocks of downtown San Francisco has revealed a fetid wasteland of human urine, feces, discarded needles, and indescribable filth, moving that city to the forefront for the honor of "America's Best Liberal Shithole" among 12 major cities. Recent holders of the title include Detroit, St. Louis, Baltimore, and Chicago.
"When you add the unbridled, godless sexual perversion and plethora of accompanying diseases, San Francisco easily wins the title," concluded the report.
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NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - People around the world are expressing relief after actress and part-time parade float Lena Dunham's announcement that she is barren due to having a recent hysterectomy.
The hefty celebrity told Vogue Magazine she underwent the radical surgery after suffering crippling pain in her "giant box," knowing she would never be able to have children. "With pain like this, I could never be able to be anyone’s mother. Even if I could find a blind guy drunk enough to get me pregnant, there’s nothing I could offer."
Sources say doctors at a New York hospital removed Dunham's uterus, cervix, and what was described as "the intact remains of a large rat."
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World News Bureau editorial by Editor in Chief, Scooter Van Neuter
Despite my long-held conservative beliefs, I can no longer be silent about the need for gun control after recent events. Pretending guns are not to blame for gun violence is the same as saying rocks aren't responsible for stoning injuries - both can kill, both want to kill.
This reality vividly hit home with me just last night. While watching television I thought I saw something skitter across the floor down the hallway. When a search of the area turned up nothing, I decided to turn in and go to bed. What happened next changed my thinking about guns forever.
Imagine my horror as I pulled back the covers of my bed, only to be staring down the barrel of my loaded Beretta 92FS 9 mm pistol. I ducked as a shot rang out, and as I bolted at least two more rounds impacted the wall just inches from me. I heard the gun hit the floor and knew it was right behind me as I ran for the door to the garage.
Suddenly, a deafening blast from the kitchen sent me reeling into the living room. My Mossberg 500 tactical shotgun had situated itself next to the toaster, obviously intending to kill me if I tried to escape into the garage. Only poor visibility prevented it from taking off my head.
By the grace of God, I was able to flee out the front door with my life. A police investigation showed that for reasons unknown a small but determined group of my guns had conspired to kill me. Most were found hiding in my home, but my Sig Sauer P229 and Walther PK380 stole my car and were later apprehended in Corpus Christi, Texas after robbing a convenience store.
Guns are dangerous, cunning, conniving, deadly. We must control them and we need to act now. Next time their target may be YOU.
When good guns go bad
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PYEONGCHANG, South Korea (World News Bureau) - Vice President Pence reached out to Adam Rippon by social media today after the gay figure skater repeatedly publicly trashed him and President Trump.
"We're both on the same team, and I wanted him to know that. Of course, I'm referring to both of us being American, not, well, you know," Pence told reporters.
(click image for full size)
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WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Sources say Michelle Obama requested a revised portrait be done after seeing the original.
"Mrs. Obama felt the original depiction (below) by Baltimore artist Amy Sherald downplayed her femininity - something important to her in being a role model for women everywhere," said a Smithsonian National Portrait Gallery executive. "The decision was made to picture the former First Lady in a colorful dress. The result is stunning."
Former First Lady Michelle Obama (Smithsonian National Portrait Gallery )
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WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - An official portrait of former first lady Michelle Obama was unveiled at the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery Monday morning.
While some individuals took to social media to criticize the likeness, many others defended its accuracy. "I think the artist really captured the essence of the First Lady - I nearly wet myself when it was unveiled," said renowned art critic, T. J. Throckmorton.
The painting was done by Baltimore artist Amy Sherald, who is known for her social justice painting style.
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WORLD NEWS BUREAU - News at the speed of typing
Macy's Introduces Clothing Line For Muslims
Macy's is launching a women's clothing line for Muslim shoppers.
The department store chain says their new Happy Harem line will consist of dark, formless dresses and hijabs featuring blood-resistant, blow-cushioning fabric and 'pre-wired Paradise PocketsTM.'
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Russian Pranksters Spoof Adam Schiff
The ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee was the victim of prank phone calls from Russian comedians.
In audio recordings of the prank calls posted online, Adam Schiff (RTRD-Ca) repeatedly goes to his refrigerator to confirm it is running in response to a question posed by callers identifying themselves as appliance repairmen. Ultimately Schiff curses and hangs up on the callers after finally being told, "Well then, you'd better catch it, you clueless American retard!"
Schiff appears to fall for the prank at least 17 times over a period of several days before he reportedly destroyed his phone with a hammer.
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Scientists Say First Britains Were Black w/Blue Eyes
The first modern humans in Britain were black with blue eyes, a new analysis of a 10,000-year-old Somerset skeleton has revealed.
Dr. Filbert Dinkman, from University College in London, said: "Our studies show that this individual was black or possibly an extremely dirty white person. We think he/she had piercing blue eyes, but of course, without the eyes themselves, we're guessing here. One thing is certain - this person had really awful teeth. Absolutely horrorshow."
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PHILADELPHIA, Penn. (World News Bureau) - In the wake of the Philadephia Eagles winning the Super Bowl last night, mobs of drunken fans rampaged through Philly's downtown in an orgy of looting and destruction - setting fire to anything that would burn - including several transients.
The sight that greeted residents this morning was one of widespread devastation and surprise. "I hate to say it but in my opinion, this shithole is noticeably improved - too bad we couldn't win the Super Bowl every week," said Philadelphia Mayor James Kenney.
Authorities credit the Super Bowl celebrations for last night's crime statistics: 12 homicides, over 90 injured in countless assaults and robberies and dozens of rapes - well below normal.
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CLEVELAND, Ohio (World News Bureau) - After being pressured by advocate groups for years to ditch their team logo over claims it was a racist symbol, on Thursday the Cleveland Indians introduced their new logo, "Chief Apu" (below).
New Cleveland Indians logo, "Chief Apu"
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Click retard!
