World News Bureau

Palestinians Rush Israeli Border Wall

 

Pope: There Is No Hell

VATICAN CITY, Rome (World News Bureau) - In another interview with his longtime atheist friend, Eugenio Scalfari, Pope Francis claims unrepentant sinners face eternal punishment, but not in Hell.

Scalfari: You have never spoken to me about the souls who die in sin. 

Pope Francis: Those who do not repent and cannot, therefore, be forgiven suffer unspeakable eternal torment.

Scalfari: In Hell.

Pope Francis: No, they go to either Detroit or Baltimore. The worst spend time in both.

Scalfari: You are saying there is no Hell?

Pope Francis: You have obviously never been to Detroit or Baltimore... 

 

 

EXCLUSIVE! Photo Of Stormy Daniels And Trump

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - After weeks of negotiations with an unnamed source in the adult entertainment industry, we are pleased to present an exclusive photo of Stormy Daniels with Donald Trump.

The candid photo was allegedly taken during a steamy tryst in a New York hotel shower and may be one of the most sought-after images in recent history, commanding a purchase price well in excess of seven figures.

"An opportunity like this comes once in a lifetime - we would have paid nearly any price," said a WNB spokesperson.

So far, the White House has yet to respond.

 

 

News News News! 3-27-18

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - News at the speed of typing™ 

 

Huffington Denies Being In 80s Sex Cult

According to multiple sources, Arriana Huffington, then known as Arriana Stassianopoulos, was closely associated with cult leader Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, leader of a large, prolific Oregon cult in the 1980s.

A new Netflix documentary series about the cult titled "Wild Country" features salacious film footage of gyrating, purging meditation exercises, writhing orgies, and nudity. 

Huffington flatly denies she was involved with the cult, despite records of a 'boney, shrew-faced slut with a horrible accent' spreading sexually transmitted diseases throughout the Rajneesh community at the time.

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Chinese Space Station To Spew Flaming Fireballs 

NASA is warning that the Chinese space station, Sky Bhang 1, will fling flaming pieces of itself to earth for an undetermined amount time until the main body comes crashing down in a spectacular fireball.

"Look, it's a space station built by the Chinese - think 6-year-old 10-ton orbiting Mr. Coffee. It's been falling apart since it was built," said one scientist.

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McCain Tell-All Book To Skewer Trump

Senator John McCain (RINO-AZ) will offer a "no-holds-barred" verdict on Donald Trump's presidency in his upcoming book, according to his publishers.

"Angry, crusty, and quite possibly insane, John McCain holds nothing back in his memoir entitled 'The Restless RINO,' coming out May 22," Simon & Schuster announced Monday.

 

Kids March Has Already Saved Lives

LOS ANGELES (World News Bureau) - Statistics show that the 'March For Our Lives' held Saturday has already saved countless lives.

"On Saturday we recorded a nearly 99% reduction in Tide Pods poisonings nationwide," said a U.S. Department of Health and Human Services spokesperson. "That is significant."

According to authorities across the country, shoplifting, motor vehicle accidents, accidents and death involving 'selfies.' drug and alcohol overdoses, reported incidences of STDs, loud music complaints, and injuries and deaths involving self-stimulation were also down sharply on Saturday.

"These kids really did make America a safer place, at least for several hours on Saturday, and for that I applaud them," said Vice President Mike Pence.

 

 

Planned Parenthood Organizes Pro-Life March

LOS ANGELES (World News Bureau) - Proving that fact is sometimes stranger than fiction, Planned Parenthood is organizing this weekend's nationwide 'March For Our Lives.'

While most, if not all, conservatives see a supreme irony over the fact that one of the world's most prolific mass-murderers of children is behind the pro-life event, the abortion organization staunchly defends its participation:

"Planned Parenthood has safely terminated literally tens of millions of pregnancies over the years without the use of a single gun. We want to make sure that young people follow our example," said CEO Cecile Richards.

Joining PP will be a host of other left-wing organizations, including Everytown, Giffords, Move On, Women’s March LA, The American Federation of Teachers, American Communist Party, LGBTQ Alliance, The Church of Satan, NARAL, and American Atheists. One conservative group is also taking part - the National Knife Association.

 

 

Trump KOs Biden

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Twitter Suspends Van Neuter For 'Public Good'

SAN FRANCISCO, California (World News Bureau) - Social media giant Twitter has suspended the account of World News Bureau owner and Editor In Chief, Scooter Van Neuter, for 'the public good.' The account was suspended for the following listed infractions:

• Impuning the character and/or integrity of noted and beloved celebrities
• Perpetuating hate crimes against LGBTQRSWXYZ individuals
• Making and posting altered videos with the intent to defame or embarrass
• Depicting a respected former First Lady as a hybrid primate 
• Repeatedly using the word "retard" 
• Unfairly portraying humanitarian agencies such as Planned Parenthood in a negative manner
• Repeatedly posting fake Tweets by disgraced President Donald Trump
• Posting unflattering images of Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, and other public servants
• Maliciously portraying Twitter as a liberal collective bent on censoring conservative users

"I'm surprised this cabal of rope-smoking liberal retards took time out from sodomizing each other to do something like this. I hope they all die of AIDS," Van Neuter said in an interview from the Hungarian monastery where he has embarked on a 30-day prayer fast with Trump religious advisor, Paula White.

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Teen May Sue Katy Perry Over Kiss

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - An 18-year-old American Idol contestant reportedly may sue celebrity judge Katy Perry over a kiss on the lips - his first. Perry kissed Jonny Brenn on the lips when she suddenly turned after asking him to kiss her cheek.

Sources claim the teen was forced to seek emergency treatment the next day for an "incredibly aggressive oral STD," that resulted in a partial amputation of a small section of his lower lip. 

"Sweet Jesus, one can only imagine where her lips have been. Have you seen Russell Brand? The kid's lucky he's not dead," said one medical expert.

 

 

"Human Equivalent Of Herpes" Returns

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - New Yorkers are reportedly in shock over the news that Kathy Griffin sold out Carnegie Hall in one day for an upcoming appearance.

"Holy crap, I knew we had a lot of sickos and retards here, but nothing like this. I've got to move." said one resident. 

Griffin's resurgence comes on the heels of liberal media's concerted efforts to promote the failed comic after normal Americans rejected her for her psychopathic fantasies about murdering President Trump and generally being unfunny, desperate, and repellent.

 

 

Exclusive Video: Hillary Fallen In Bathroom

News News News! 3-15-18

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - News at the speed of typing^®

 

Stephen Hawking Passes

Stephen Hawking, considered one of the smartest individuals of our time, passed away this week at the age of 75. A source present posted a recording of the celebrated atheist's last words: HERE

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 Climate Change Researcher Claims Warming Making Winters Colder

A new study says that global warming is causing colder winters in the US and Europe.

Rutgers University scientist Jennifer Francis said her research confirms renowned climatologist and former vice president Al Gore's earlier statement that man-made warming is "causing everything to get colder, warmer, and stay the same."

Francis reportedly came to her conclusion after eating fried ice cream at a Mexican food restaurant on her birthday.

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Politician Wants Child Sex Dolls Outlawed

Republican Dan Donovan of Staten Island, a federal prosecutor for 20 years before his election to the House in 2015, has made it his mission to sound the warning about child sex dolls - robots engineered with disturbingly lifelike prepubescent features.

"When I saw articles on the issues of child sex dolls abroad, I knew I had to act immediately to stop the proliferation of them within the United States," Donovan told reporters.

In a possibly related story, for the third time this month, former president Bill Clinton was seen transporting a large, lifelike doll. The chubby, dark-haired, buxom doll is reportedly a gift for his granddaughter.

 

 

Warren Defends Indian Heritage

 

 

Hillary Curses Aide After Near Fall In India

 

 

Maxine Waters Rebukes Trump IQ Claim

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Pelosi Psychotic Episode #87

 

 

Trump: Libby Shaaf Probably Getting Stoned With Jerry Brown

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - White House sources say President Trump remarked that Oakland Mayor Libby Shaaf "looked high" while watching her rebuke Attorney General Jeff Session's condemnation of California's sanctuary city policies. 

"Good God, she (Shaaf) looks high. Probably getting stoned with Jerry Brown, don't you think?" Trump reportedly commented while watching Fox News. An unidentified aide replied, "She always looks like that."

 

 

Trump Does Mic Drop In Kimmel Twitter War

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Full-size photo of Donald and Melania at home (above) 

 

Farrakhan Group Leading School Walkout

CHICAGO (World News Bureau) - Louis Farrakhan and his Nation of Islam is behind the "National School Walkout" on March 14, in which millions of children will be instructed to demonstrate against guns.

The calypso singer-turned-anti-Semite pretend reverend's group, the "Women’s March" organization, which conducted nationwide "pink pussy hat" protests the day after President Donald Trump’s inauguration last year, is leading the walkout in coordination with the national Parent Teacher Association (PTA), the American Communist Party (ACP), Planned Parenthood (PP), and the Church of Satan (COS).

 

 

Ocars 2018

From Scooter Van Neuter.com

By Entertainment Editor, Scooter Van Neuter

As I do every year, last night I attended the Academy Awards. Due to the recent breakup with my longtime girlfriend, Sissy, I elected to take a professional escort - a common practice for single individuals at this and other high-level celebrity events. My date was an exotic and beautiful Vietnamese girl named Miso Hhoni. I picked her up at her apartment and we immediately hit it off despite her not speaking English or me speaking Vietcong. 

Thanks to one of my wealthy friends who owed me a favor, we arrived in style in a late model Buick LaCrosse with 23" wheels and a thumping stereo. I was blinded by camera flashes as I helped Miso exit the Buick's luxurious back seat (later I noticed she wasn't wearing any underwear, but hey, in this city all publicity is good). All eyes were on us - Miso radiantly draped in a daring, sassy number by Blanch Blechstine that I provided, and me rocking a Premier Signature Edition by Men's Warehouse. Originally worried that Miso's dress might be too risque for the current hyper anti-sex "me too" Hollywood climate, I was relieved to see that most of the women there, as usual, were dressed like sluts - no problem.

As we made our way down the red carpet, we were deluged with questions from the assembled media, and I did my best to give them what they wanted while Miso mugged for the cameras, playfully exposing a breast while darting her tongue through a "V" she made with her fingers (a Vietnamese sign for "hello"). I noticed Ryan Seacrest looking for celebrities to interview so I grabbed my date and chased him into a corner where he could interview us.

My attorney told me the shame and embarrassment I suffered from being pepper-sprayed by Ryan Seacrest then frog-marched to a police command post in front of thousands of people "will buy you a Miso every night," whatever the hell that means. One thing I do know is that the gushy apology letter and two tickets to "The Shape of Water" I received this morning from the Academy aren't going to come close to making up for the selfie that little whore Miso just sent me of Seacrest prancing around a hotel room in his birthday suit. Not even close.