World News Bureau

Netanyahu: Iran Punked Obama

TEL AVIV, Israel (World News Bureau) -- Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu revealed that Israeli intelligence has acquired thousands of Iranian documents that show Iran has been lying to the world about its extensive and ongoing nuclear program.

In a televised special report on Monday, Netanyahu used some of the photos and documents to outline Iran's secretive efforts to develop nuclear weapons and the missiles to deliver them. The Israeli Prime Minister also spoke at length of how then-president Obama was duped into signing a bad nuclear agreement.

"Obama was played. He was punked. Khomeini bent him over and had his way with him - treating the leader of the world's most powerful nation no different than his 10-year-old nephew or young goat." 

Experts believe Israel's discovery will be more than enough to prompt President Trump to withdraw the U.S. from the Iranian nuclear agreement - to the likely consternation of our European allies.

 

Israel Prime Minister Netanyahu displays 'acquired' Iranian documents (API)
 

Pompeo And Kim Jong-un

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Political experts believe a photo released by the White House on Thursday of a secret meeting between Mike Pompeo and North Korean leader Kim Jong-un may reveal clues about U.S. strategy to woe the plush dictator (below).

 

Mike Pompeo meets with Kim Jong-un in secret meeting

 

Iran Threatens U.S. Ships

 

 

Warren: Challenger Is No Indian

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts (World News Bureau) -- Senator Elizabeth Warren is fighting back against challenger Shiva Ayyadurai's campaign slogan that "Only a real Indian can defeat a fake Indian" by asserting Ayyadurai is the one who is fake. 

 

Bernie Sanders Will Guarantee Federal Jobs For Everyone

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) -- Sen. Bernie Sanders (RTRD-Vt) is set to announce a proposal that would guarantee a government job with a minimum $15-per-hour wage plus health benefits to every adult living in America "who wants or needs one," according to the Washington Post.

"I'm basically updating a proven concept - equal prosperity for all is obtainable in this country, and I intend to make it happen."

When asked for specific details, Sanders described the plan as "somewhat like the 60s Soviet Union only different."

 

 

3 White Men Foiled In Attempted Lynching

NEW YORK (World News Burea) -- A black female valiantly fought off three white men who attempted to publicly lynch her, seriously wounding all three.

Gossip rump-rider Perez Hilton, former celebrity Tom Arnold, and pretend-black person, Shaun King, piled on African American conservative, Candice Owen, after entertainer Kanye West publicly applauded her courage and thinking.

West's comments apparently infuriated the three white liberals, prompting a concerted attack over social media that even included Arnold posting a photo of himself flipping off Owens and demanding she "suck racist d*k," a phrase the failed comic made famous in LA's red light district over the last 35 years, according to sources.

Owens fought back with an intellectual beat-down that left the three men bloodied, especially black-wannabe SJW Shaun King when Owen Tweeted "are you still pretending to be black?" A distraught King was reportedly later seen nursing a 40 oz. Colt .45 Malt Liquor and a bucket of Church's Fried Chicken in front of Al Sharpton's home before being escorted away by police.

 

 

Democrats Sue Universe Over Hillary Loss

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) -- The Democratic Party on Friday sued the Trump presidential campaign, the Russian government, Wikileaks, Fox News, The State of Israel, American Baptist Churches, U.S. conservative radio talk show hosts, Chick-Fil-A, every white male between the ages of 32 and 85 living in 32 states, and the universe as a whole, claiming a broad conspiracy to help Trump win the 2016 election.

The multi-million-dollar lawsuit filed in Manhattan federal court claims the universe and named entities engaged in a broad, nefarious conspiracy to deprive Hillary Clinton of "her preordained and rightful election to the office of President of the United States of America."

The common purpose of the scheme, according to the Democratic National Committee, was to "portray Hillary Clinton as a shrill, phony, serial-lying, sexual predator-harboring, lifelong failure with a mysterious debilitating disease."

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Kid Anti-Gun Activist Signs Book Deal

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Anti-gun activist teen David Hogg has signed a book deal with Random House. The angry and profane pinched-faced youth's book "will demonize gun manufacturers and owners, the NRA, and conservatives in general."

Sources say Hogg's sister, Lauren, will join her brother in inking the book as soon as the two become proficient in writing, punctuation, and spelling.

 

 

 

Trump Creams Daniels!

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Maxine Waters Accuses Trump Of Bribing Putin

 

 

Pelosi Blasts Trump For Attacking Al-Assad

SAN FRANCISCO, California (World News Bureau) - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-CA) on Sunday angrily criticized President Trump's attack on her "good friend" Bashar al-Assad's regime.

"I know for a fact that Bash...ah, President al-Assad hates all harsh chemicals and artificial dyes - he would never have weapons containing them, let alone use them on anyone. Trump's just trying to take attention off his own issues and it's not fair," Pelosi told reporters in San Francisco on Sunday.

Sources say Pelosi became very close with al-Assad during an April 2007 meeting in Damascus (below). 

 

Rep. Nancy Pelosi with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad in 2007 (API)

 

Russia Blames UK For Gas Attack

 

 

New Evidence Rebels Behind Gas Attack

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - A new video (below) recorded Saturday in the Syrian town of Douma provides evidence that the gas attack that killed dozens may have been perpetrated by rebels and not the Syrian military.

"We are looking at the video and based on our evaluation will determine what actions, if any, are justified," said a Pentagon spokesperson on Thursday. 

 

Mueller Pumping Daniels For Dirt

LOS ANGELES (WORLD NEWS BUREAU) - Robert Mueller and his team have reportedly been furiously pounding Stormy Daniels 'around the clock' for information on Donald Trump.

Sources say the intensity of Mueller's probing of the porn star during a number of closed-door meetings has left the 73-year-old investigator 'exhausted to the point of collapse.' So far, no less than 43 different individuals on Mueller's staff have participated in questioning Daniels, prompting many to assume she is the key to possibly indicting Trump.

The frenzied pace of the investigation is apparently taking its toll on Mueller and his team, as a number of them are being treated for 'minor infections probably related to stress,' according to sources close to the investigation.

 

 Robert Mueller questions pornstar Stormy Daniels

 

News News News!

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - News at the speed of typing^™

 

Hamas Vows More Israeli Border Chaos

Hamas head Ismai Aztu'Bigh said on Monday that protests along the border between the Gaza Strip and Israel will continue until they achieve their goals, should they think of some.

Hamas will again institute a strategy of sending drunken protesters running amok while screaming anti-Jew epitaphs as they choke on acrid clouds of rubber smoke from hundreds of burning tires and Israeli tear gas. 

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 Iran Threatens Israel Over Syria Strike

A senior Iranian official threatened Israel with retribution over an airstrike on a Syrian air base that killed seven Iranians.

D'lish Snakbar, an aide to Iran’s supreme leader, warned Israel that Iranian forces are 'fortifying themselves with purpose and valor while preparing mighty machines of war.'

Sources say Israeli forces are on high alert and monitoring an Iranian platoon of 'five or six little pickups with rusty machine guns on the back' near the border.

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Stormy Daniels A Hot Property

Pornstar Stormy Daniels continues to cash in on her fame since claiming she had sexual relations with then-private citizen Donald Trump.

Daniels recently completed a photo spread for Penthouse Magazine and is reportedly filming an NBC special featuring a tour of the scene of the crime - a first for network TV.

"The set does present challenges as one might expect, but once you get past the disease and smell, it's not that bad. Fortunately, there's tons of room," said a production member. 

 

 

Bernie Sanders Honors MLK

JACKSON, Mississippi (World News Bureau) - Senator Bernie Sanders (RTRD-VT) appeared at an event honoring the 50th anniversary of the death of Martin Luther King on Wednesday, in what many believe may be groundlaying for a possible 2020 presidential run.

 

 

1 Million Illegal Immigrants Issued California Driver's Licenses

LOS ANGELES, California (World News Bureau) - More than 1 million illegal immigrants have been issued California driver's licenses, the California Department of Motor Vehicles announced Wednesday. 

A 2013 bill authored by then-Assemblyman Hector Chimichanga required California DMV offices to issue driver's licenses to illegal immigrants as long as they could recite the words to 'La Bamba.'

Interestingly, over 75% of the driver's licenses issued have been to the same 9 people.

In possibly-related news, California Governor Jerry Brown has called for an investigation into why insurance companies have raised their rates over 2000% in his state since 2013. 

In other possibly-related news, the Insurance Institute announced this week that car thefts in California have risen by nearly 2000% over the last several years. Institute statistics show that the average California owner of a 90s Honda Accord now has a 100% chance it will be stolen and recovered in a drug bust a year later filled with Filiberto's fast food wrappers and equipped with a 1000 watt stereo and multiple subwoofers. 

YouTube Shooter's Image Raises Questions

SAN FRANCISCO (World News Bureau) - Posted images of the woman who shot several people at the YouTube corporate headquarters are raising questions about possible other family members that may be living in the US under assumed names.

"We've been inundated with calls saying they've seen someone that looks like Nasim Aghdam who's going under a different name, raising fears she may have a family member who might also pose a danger. We' are actively investigating all leads," said San Francisco Police Chief Gregg Suhr. 

 

 

Trump Threatens To Send Immigrant Caravan To Baltimore

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - President Trump on Tuesday ratcheted up the pressure to persuade the 1,500+ immigrants marching from South America to the US to turn back or stay in Mexico.

Democrats decried the President's comments: "Making these poor people feel unwanted is one thing, threatening their lives is quite another. Shame on you, President Trump," Sen. Chuck Schumer (RTRD-NY) told reporters.

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Researchers Reconstruct Face Of Cro-Magnon Man

PARIS, France (WORLD NEWS BUREAU) - A team of French researchers have determined that Cro-Magnon man's face (below) featured lumps - benign tumors caused by a genetic disease.

To mark the discovery of a Homo sapiens skeleton found 150 years ago, a team of researchers including anthropologist Philippe Charlier reexamined the remains. They concluded the individual had suffered from a type of neurofibromatosis - a genetic disease which can cause benign tumors to develop in the nervous system, as well as pigmentation of the skin.

The team's findings will be published Friday in the medical journal The Lancet.