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SEATTLE, Washington (World News Bureau) - As part of today's diversity courses implemented at all Starbucks locations, employees were educated on the chain's new 'Racial Realignment Program' (RAP).
According to a leaked memo, the program is to "ensure the contentment of those guests who are at a disadvantage in our society and deserving of our best efforts to accommodate them while marginalizing those who have harmed them."
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NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Sources within NFL Player's Association (NFLPA) said players will stand for the National Anthem, but those protesting will grab their crotch and stick out their tongue as the anthem is played.
"We might stand for the anthem but under no circumstances will we stand by idly as things like police brutality, global warming, racism, and Donald Trump continue to exist."
NFL President Roger Goodell is said to be 'frantically' conferring with owners concerning this new turn of events.
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WORLD NEWS BUREAU - News at the speed of typing™
Stormy Daniels Honored With Key To City
The Mayor of the city of West Hollywood presented pornographic film actress Stormy Daniels with a key to the city on Wednesday, proclaiming May 23rd as "Opportunist Whore Day."
"This award honors your resistance against President Trump and your inspiration to young girls everywhere that they can achieve their dreams simply by trading their soul for being boned on camera by an endless number of skeevy strangers. Congratulations," said Mayor John J. Duran.
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North Korea Test Site Already Destroyed
Pentagon experts say that North Korea's deactivation of their primary nuclear test site is an empty gesture, as the mountain cavern has totally collapsed due to the pounding of numerous detonations over the years.
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Stormy Daniels Injured
Pornographic film actress Stormy Daniels was reportedly rushed to a hospital on Wednesday after being honored by the city of West Hollywood. Sources say Daniels suffered a "total collapse" of her vagina, due to what some described as "a gigantic gold key."
Also reportedly injured was West Hollywood Mayor John J. Duran. The Centers For Disease Control And Prevention (CDC) has cordoned off the area and declared it a Level 4 Biohazard.
More on this story as it develops.
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IRVING Texas (World News Bureau) - The Boy Scouts have mandated that condoms and sex lube be "readily and easily accessible" for next year’s Boy Scout Jamboree which is scheduled to be held in the mountains of West Virginia from July 21 to Aug. 1, 2019.
In addition, new badges have been introduced "to reflect the realities of young manhood," (below).
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VATICAN CITY, Rome (World News Bureau) - A man who privately met with Pope Francis claims the pontiff told him God made him gay, and that it's "fine to be a rope-smoking rump-rider." Francis reportedly made the statement while braiding the unnamed man's hair.
Molested as a child by notorious pedophile priest Fernando Karadima, the man said, "Here, I thought it was the Catholic priest who made me gay, I guess it was God after all. I don't mind telling you I'm a little freaked out."
This is not the first time Pope Francis has expressed support for homosexuality.
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WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Rep. Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-Ca) on Friday called a news conference to defend the brutal street gang MS-13 after President Trump referred to them as 'animals.'
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WASHINGTON DC (World News Bureau) - Tuesday at the Center for American Progress "2018 Ideas Conference,” Sen. Elizabeth Warren (RTRD-MA) accused President Donald Trump of lying.
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HOLLYWOOD, California (World News Bureau) - American celebrities have formed a group to send aid to Palestinians protesting at the Israeli border.
The organization, Celebrities Rally Around Palestinians, is sending thousands of care packages to Palestinian relief agencies. Each package includes:
Oprah Winfrey was on hand to see off the first shipment Tuesday (below).
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WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - President Trump struck back Sunday (below) at Ayatollah Ali Khamenei after the Iranian supreme leader posted a photograph of himself reading a Persian translation of the book "Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House."
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WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca) received a vicious verbal beatdown on the House floor at the hands of Pennsylvania Rep. Mike Kelly on Wednesday when he compared the octagenarian's intelligence to that of a 'clock radio.'
Rep. Waters (RTRD-Ca) angrily reacts to an attack on her intelligence (Fox News)
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GAZA CITY, Palestinian Territories (World News Bureau) -- A senior Hamas official encouraged thousands of Palestinians to breach the Israel border fence during protests coinciding with next week's US embassy move to Jerusalem.
"I am telling the thousands of Palestinians displaced by Israel to ignore boundaries and cross into, and take possession of, our rightful lands next week - the Israelis are powerless to stop you," said Hamas leader Suentabe Wormfudh in a televised message.
In a possibly-related story, Israeli IDF forces this week installed a large, unlocked gate in a border fence at the site of ongoing Palestinian protests (below).
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TEHRAN, Iran (World News Bureau) -- Reports say that over 40 Iranian lawmakers were killed or injured in the Iranian Parliment after a U.S. flag they were attempting to burn on Wednesday exploded in a massive fireball (below).
In the aftermath of the disaster, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani blamed the Israelis for planting the flag, and threatened a "severe and unforgettable response likely involving hysterical, angry mobs running through the streets of Tehran, cutting themselves with sharp knives."
Iranian Parliment is engulfed in a massive fireball when flag explodes (AP)
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WORLD NEWS BUREAU - After being spotted on multiple occasions lately wearing long jackets paired with colorful scarves that drape down over a large, square protuberance on her back, medical sources close to Hillary Clinton have confirmed that she is wearing a back brace.
Clinton has reportedly been wearing the brace since "spraining her entire body" after slipping on some stairs in India (below).
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LOS ANGELES (World News Bureau) -- An ANTIFA group vowed "revolutionary violence" during a May Day march in Los Angeles on Tuesday.
The small group of scrawny white millennials clad in hoodies and masks brandished a Trump effigy which they later attempted to hang from a tree, resulting in several minor injuries.
The centerpiece of the march was a fiery speech calling for physical conflict against the group's enemies:
"We must prepare today, yesterday, tomorrow, and later tonight for the prolong confrontation, the protracted war, against the capitalist state!
We hereby declare war against all things poisonous to the people and our revolutionary cause! War on trash cans! War on store windows! War on street signs! War on bus stops! War on ATMS! War on anything downtown that's not bolted down or fireproof! The blazing fire of our vengeance will consume everything in our path! HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA."
While no arrests were made during the march, several ANTIFA members were reportedly detained by police later for attempting to buy beer with fake IDs.
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PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (World News Bureau) -- Starbucks locations around the country are reportedly jammed with people 'just hanging out,' creating a problem for customers who are unable to make purchases.
The situation arose after reports this morning that the two black men recently arrested at a Philadelphia Starbucks for loitering were each given a seven-figure settlement and free college education by the company.
"It's crazy - we've got hundreds of black people milling around and not buying anything. Also, I'm pretty sure some of them are white people wearing makeup, which seems wrong," said one unidentified Starbucks employee in Baltimore.
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NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Filmmaker Spike Lee is back with another movie and the opportunity to bash white people, conservatives, and naturally, President Trump.
Lee's new film, BlacKkKlansman, will premiere in competition at the Cannes Film Festival on May 14. Reports surrounding the film say it may rank among Lee's best work, leading most Hollywood insiders to anticipate it will bomb spectacularly at the box office.
Spike Lee is featured this month in The Hollywood Reporter (below).
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WORLD NEWS BUREAU - News at the speed of typing™
Over 65% Public School 8th Graders Are Morons
Sixty-five percent of the eighth graders in American public schools in 2017 were not proficient in reading and 67 percent were not proficient in mathematics, according to the National Assessment of Educational Progress test results released by the U.S. Department of Education.
In a related story, a spokesperson for the NEA teachers union representing thousands of teachers on strike across the country said a 20% raise would "give educators the motivation they need to elevate 60% of 8th graders to not being proficient in math and reading."
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Mueller Questions For Trump Leaked
The White House is expressing outrage over the release of a list of questions Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller intends to ask President Trump. Included in the nearly four dozen questions published by the New York Times on Monday were:
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Caitlyn Jenner To Wed Transgender Individual 47 Years His/Her Junior
Sources claim 68-year-old Caitlyn Jenner will marry 21-year-old transgender student Sophie Hutchins (below).
"Despite their age difference, the two are deeply in love and want to get married as soon as one of them gets a vagina. The last thing Caitlyn wants on his/her honeymoon is a sword fight," said a mutual friend.
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