World News Bureau

Trump Trolls "Unhinged" Waters

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Poor Americans Posing As Illegal Immigrants

EL PASO, Texas (World News Burea) - The U.S. Border Patrol reports apprehensions of poor American children and adults sneaking into the U.S. has skyrocketed with the recent non-stop airing of videos and photographs of ICE immigration facilities.

Experts say the efforts of left-wing media outlets to shame the Trump administration appears to be backfiring, as poor families in the United States see that illegal immigrants in ICE custody are living and eating significantly better than they are, prompting many to travel over the border so they can get caught sneaking back in while pretending to be foreigners.

"Compared to the hood, this place is the Fo' Seasons, yo," said one Baltimore teen pretending to be from Guatemala.

This isn't the first time Americans have purposely entered the country pretending to be foreigners in order to obtain benefits not available at home.

 

 

Time - Welcome To America

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Pelosi Sports New Look

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Rep. Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-Ca) appeared at a news conference Monday morning sporting a new hairstyle and glasses.

In a possibly related story, a new poll indicates that the majority of Americans have a more favorable view of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un that they do for House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi.

 

 

 

U.S. Sending Aid To North Korea?

LOS ANGELES (World News Bureau) Sources say a China Airlines cargo flight bound for Pyongyang, North Korea loaded tons of Honey Baked Hams in Los Angeles on Monday, leading many to question whether there were conditions for peace not disclosed by the White House.

 According to reports, the hams are being delivered directly to Kim Jong-un's personal residence.

 

 

Trump: Kim Showed He Was Serious

SINGAPORE (World News Bureau) - President Trump said he knew within 15 minutes that Kim was serious about making a deal, as confirmed by a leaked photo of the two leaders' one-on-one meeting (below).

 

President Trump and North Korea's Kim Jong-un get down to business (API)

 

De Niro: On Trump Payroll Or Simply Mentally Ill?

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - After yet another unhinged, profanity-laden diatribe about President Trump by Robert De Niro - this time at last night's Tony Awards - many are starting to believe that the octogenarian actor isn't merely suffering from dementia, but may actually be secretly working for Trump himself. 

"I mean, just a few days ago De Niro was ranting and cursing like a mental patient in front of a high school graduating class, for God's sake. Now, he does it again on national TV - I can't think of a more effective way to make normal, middle-class America hate liberals. Trump's paying him big time, no doubt about it," said one  D.C. political analyst.

But not everyone is buying the scenario, especially in light of the fact De Niro appeared to wet himself onstage last night, reinforcing the argument that he's simply mentally ill.

 

 

Trump: No Interest In LeBron, Curry Visit

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Teen Reality Star: "I'm Getting A Vagina!"

LOS ANGELES (World News Bureau) -- Transgender reality TV star Jazz Jennings recently took to social media to gush about an upcoming penis-to-vagina gender reassignment surgery, telling fans "I can't wait to violate myself like a real girl!"

The mentally ill vivacious teen was born a boy but at the age of five, his parents decided to pretend he was a girl. His mother expressed relief at the announcement, "We can't wait to get rid of Jazz's wiener! He's never been able to keep his hands off the filthy little thing."

 

 

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Mexico Retaliates Against US Tariffs

Sources say Mexico will impose a 20 percent tariff on U.S. pork imports in retaliation to the Trump administration's tariffs on steel and aluminum. The tariffs would apply to pork legs and shoulders from U.S. suppliers.

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Trump Threatens 'Nuclear' Response To Mexican Tariffs

White House insiders say that President Trump is prepared to 'go nuclear' if Mexico imposes a retaliatory 20% tariff on pork products.

Sources say the President is prepared to impose a blanket 20% tariff on all imports of "cheap shit" - a move that would affect nearly 90% of products coming from Mexico and threatening that country's economy with certain collapse.

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Miss America To Drop Swimsuits, Beauty Judging

Miss America is scrapping its swimsuit competition and will no longer judge contestants based on physical appearance, the organization announced Tuesday.

"Showing favor to one woman over another based on physical appearance inflicts emotional duress on the loser. We are moving beyond that to a place of mutual inclusion for all," said Miss America head, Gretchen Carlson. 

Rumored reports that the yearly event will be rebranded "Skank-O-Rama" have yet to be confirmed.

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 Bill Clinton: "Me Too"

During a book tour stop in Harlem on Monday, former President Bill Clinton portrayed himself as a member of the #MeToo movement, a public groundswell of individuals who have come forward to tell their stories of sexual abuse and harassment.

"I can't count the number of times a woman or girl I was assaulting said or did something sexually inappropriate. Trust me, I know what it's like to be a victim."