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Trump Cancels Media Holiday Party
President Trump has canceled the traditional White House holiday party for the media, breaking a decades-old tradition.
The President made the notification by social media on Thursday, saying, "I am canceling the media Christmas Holiday Party this year for the following reasons:
- Spending taxpayer dollars to entertain a collective of lying, loony leftist bozos is fiscally irresponsible. Instead, I'm going to spend the money on plating the WH bowling alley pins in genuine 24K gold.
- Last year, attendees pissed all over the bathroom floors - and that was just the women. The men's bathrooms were used as gay bathhouses - one being closed for weeks after being declared a biohazard by EPA inspectors.
- Quantities of methamphetamine, cocaine, marijuana, ecstasy, and other drugs were left behind after last year's party. Not acceptable!
- It used to be a Christmas party. If I have to refer to it as something else, I'm not interested. I'd rather spend the evening sipping 30-year-old Scotch watching Melania trot around in that see-through elf outfit.
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Heart Attack Risk Greatest At Christmas
A New study published in the British Medical Journal found that a person’s risk of heart attack is highest during the Christmas holiday, spiking on Christmas Eve.
In possibly related news, a New York Bakery has reportedly received an order for several special fruitcakes made with Red Bull, lard, and three times the normal amount of butter and sugar.
Sources say the cakes will be delivered to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Maxine Waters, and Nancy Pelosi on Christmas Eve as a show of goodwill from the White House.
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Boy Scouts To Likely Declare Bankruptcy
The Boy Scouts of America will likely file for bankruptcy, according to a report released by the Wall Street Journal on Wednesday. The youth organization is mired in numerous lawsuits tied to sexual misconduct.
CEO Ralphie Ronawicz released a statement in response to the report, saying, "We are dealing with issues that are having a negative financial effect on our ability to do business. While these issues may be sexually related, in no way should they be construed as having anything to do with our recently admitting gay and transgender Scoutmasters and scouts. Really."
