MCLEAN, Virginia (World News Bureau) - A Silver Alert was issued Friday morning for former vice president Joe Biden after he reportedly wandered away from his home without his security detail sometime Thursday afternoon or evening.
When last seen, Biden was wearing khaki pants, a green or gold Tommy Bahama shirt, an L.L. Bean jacket, and carrying a bottle of Scotch. "He hasn't lived here that long and likely got disoriented. We believe he's in the area," said one searcher.
| | |
| | |
CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts (World News Bureau) - In the wake of Super Tuesday, a campaign insider claims Elizabeth Warren 'went on the warpath' after coming in third in her home state of Massachusetts.
"I'm a woman! I'm an ethnic minority woman for God's sake! I guess Massachusetts voters are just a bunch of racists who hate women! Racist misgonists (sp) - I hope they all die from that chink virus!" Warren reportedly blurted after receiving the voting results, before going home to drink (below).
Political experts expect Warren to drop out of the race at any moment.
Warren unwinds after Super Tuesday pounding (API)
| | |
| | |
WORLD NEWS BUREAU - News at the speed of typingtm
Iranian Cleric: Oil Anus To Defeat Virus
Local cleric Ayatollah Tabrizian from the Iranian city of Qom claims the new coronavirus can be defeated by a pre-bedtime rectal administration of violet leaf oil.
In a post to over 120,000 followers on the social messaging service Telegram, Tabrizian listed alternative techniques for fighting the spread of the contagious disease, known as Covid-19.
Along with consuming copious amounts of brown sugar and inhaling snuff, the holy man admonished Muslim men to "drench some cotton in violet oil and have a young boy apply onto your anus."
___________________________________
Iranian Muslims Licking Idols And Shrines
Devout Iranian Muslims are flocking to the city of Qom, the epicenter of the Coronavirus epidemic in Iran, to lick and kiss idols and shrines to show they have no fear of infection.
Touching and kissing surfaces in shrines is a common practice for pilgrims, and religious hardliners argue the holy sites of Qom are 'a place for healing.'
___________________________________
Iranian Muslims Kill Religious Leader
Dozens of angry Iranian Muslim worshippers killed a well known Muslim cleric at a Qom holy site on Sunday. The cleric was murdered after someone noticed an idol of Muhammad's cousin 'sweating' while being licked.
After initially believing they were witnessing a miracle, the crowd attacked the 'idol' after realizing it was actually the shrine imam covered in gold spray paint.
| | |
| | |
SOUTH BEND, Indiana (World News Bureau) - The Pete Buttigieg For President 2020 campaign launched a new theme on Wednesday designed to better appeal to black voters.
"Homie, Not Homo," is designed to draw attention away from the candidate's sexual orientation and focus on his common interests with the black community. "It's important that voters of color see Pete not as some fruity white guy having sweaty, disgusting butt sex with another fruity white guy, but as a 'brother from another mother' who enjoys hot sauce and hip-hop, just like them," said a campaign worker.
Apathy by the black community has been the largest stumbling block for the gay candidate and unless repaired, dooms his chances of winning the Democrat nomination.
| | |
| | |
WORLD NEWS BUREAU - This President's Day has been marked by countless liberal celebrities fondly reflecting upon the Obama years. We join them in looking back at the 44th president and his husb wife.
| | |
| | |
NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - The Mike Bloomberg 2020 campaign claims they are receiving hundreds of letters and emails daily encouraging Bloomberg to choose Hillary Clinton as his running mate.
While the announcement is being seen by political analysts as gauging the public's acceptance to Clinton being on the ticket, one unnamed campaign insider is privately urging caution.
"Literally all of the letters are coming from the same Palm Beach zip code, and 95% of the emails are from the same IP address, which also happens to be in Palm Beach. We need to check this out before jumping on board the Hillary Express, I think."
| | |
| | |
MANCHESTER, NH (World News Bureau) - After Elizabeth Warren was slammed for bragging about taking the last few dollars from a broke college student, a photo reportedly taken shortly after the donation appears to show Warren purchasing a trinket at Walmart for $3. The photo has ignited a new round of universal condemnation.
| | |
| | |
SEATTLE, Washington (World News Bureau) - Starbucks has released a 90-second commercial featuring a sexually confused mentally ill transgender teen girl named "Jemma." In the spot, Jemma appears to obtain self-confirmation she's actually a boy with a vagina after telling a woke Starbucks employee her name is "James," and receives her order with that name scribbled on the side.
A Starbucks spokesperson says entertaining customers' fantasies is now corporate policy. "We will write any name you want on your cup unless, of course, you're a cop - then we choose."
| | |
| | |
GILFORD, New Hampshire (World News Bureau) - Joe Biden announced at a campaign stop on Monday that he had "turned gay" over the weekend.
"Hey look, I don't know how it happened. I just know that when I woke up Sunday morning, I wanted to braid somebody's hair and redecorate the den," Biden told stunned patrons at the Gilford, New Hampshire diner. "Later I had abnormal relations with a nice-looking guy and I have to say it just felt right. It's time to put a homo in the White House, but I need your help."
While being applauded by the LGBTQ community, some see Biden's declaration as his latest desperate ploy to reverse his plummeting popularity. Over the last few weeks, Biden has suggested having Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, or even frontrunner Pete Buttigieg as his vice president, as well as upping the number of freebies his administration would dole out to voters, including free schooling, medical care, birth control, desserts, and major appliances.
Joe Biden: Gay, desperate, or both? (API)
| | |
| | |
WORLD NEWS BUREAU - News at the speed of typing™
U.S. Kills Terrorist Qasim al-Raymi In Surgical Strike
President Donald Trump confirmed that Qasim Al-Raymi, leader of al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula, was killed in a surgical strike by a U.S. drone.
"I am proud of our great military. They performed an extremely tricky drone surgery on this bad guy, relocating his head to his asshole. I think there's a good joke there someplace." President Trump told reporters Thursday afternoon.
_______________________________________
Buttigieg Calls His Homosexuality A "Gift From God"
South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg said in a debate on Thursday night that he feels his homosexuality is "part of the impact" he is having on people, calling it a "gift from God."
"My gayness is having an impact and connecting with some people. In fact, just last night I was connecting to, and impacting my husband big time," a laughing Buttigieg said. "But seriously, I consider it a gift from God, at least that's whose name I'm screaming while, you know, impacting."
_______________________________________
Warren: My Campaign Guilty Of Mistreating Women Of Color
Elizabeth Warren admits complaints about her presidential campaign mistreating "women of color" may be true.
During an appearance on MSNBC, Warren said, "Looking back, I regret the way we treated these women. I can see where cooking, cleaning, and yard work might seem somewhat demeaning, especially to darkies."
| | |
| | |
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Digital enhancement (below) appears to confirm rumors that President Trump 'punked' Speaker Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-Ca) with a 'personalized' copy of his State Of The Union Speech.
If so, the move was successful, prompting Pelosi to angrily react after turning to the last page in front of millions of horrified Americans.
In response to questions concerning this allegation, the White House on Wednesday neither confirmed nor denied, issuing the following cryptic statement: "So much winning!"
| | |
| | |
DES MOINES, Iowa (World News Bureau) - The Iowa Democratic Party is blaming their inability to post results of Monday evening’s caucus contest on malware 'likely' introduced by Sen. Bernie Sander's laptop.
Sources report Sanders was seen earlier on Monday plugging his 18-year-old laptop into a DNC server to 'check voting demographic material.' IT experts on Tuesday identified a malicious virus downloaded from the Russian website 'Enema Nurses In Bondage" had disabled the server and infected others used to tabulate and report votes.
An insider in the Sanders campaign admitted, "We try to keep him away from anything higher-tech than a microwave, but it's hard."
| | |
| | |
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - House Manager Jerry Nadler (RTRD-NY) was transported to an area hospital Thursday night after suffering injuries while racing Rep. Adam Schiff (RTRD-Ca) to the lectern.
According to sources, Nadler 'power waddled' to the mic ahead of Schiff to close out the Democrats’ argument during the final question of impeachment Q&A. After making his statement, the gelatinous Congressman collapsed and EMTs were called.
"Rep. Nadler sustained what we would characterize as a 'total body' sprain," a spokesperson for Howard University Hospital told reporters. "Essentially, he pulled every muscle in his body."
"The last time I saw Jerry move that fast was when I dropped a Rollo in the hallway," said one colleague.
Rep. Jerry Nadler is treated by EMTs (API)
| | |
| | |
WILMINGTON, Delaware (World News Bureau) - New information shows that Joe Biden's dog, Major, was paid over $44,000,000 by a shadowy Ukrainian pet toy manufacturer, despite knowing nothing about manufacturing or even being able to interact with humans beyond shaking hands and obeying simple commands.
The address of the manufacturer, 'Sobaka Ihrashka,' leads to a mailbox owned by Burisma Holdings Limited.
More on this story as it develops.
Major Biden and unnamed companion (API)
| | |
| | |
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Some Democrats are angry after being sent pens (below) used by President Trump to sign the USMCA deal today.
"They're apparently big on celebratory pens, I didn't want them to feel left out," Trump told reporters.
(click image for full-size, retard)
| | |
| | |
WORLD NEWS BUREAU - 'News at the speed of typing'
The top stories for January 27, 2020:
Maxine Waters: Trump Killed Kobe Bryant
Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca) blamed the Trump administration for the death basketball star Kobe Bryant and eight others in a fiery helicopter crash on Sunday.
"Trump's careless disregard for the climate directly contributed to the crash of that copter. Did you see the fog? It was so foggy nobody could drive a helicopter in that shit," Waters said in a PBS interview following the tragic accident.
_______________________________
Pandemic: U.S. Sending Team To China
The White House announced on Monday that it is scrambling to send a high-level investigative team to Wuhan, China to report back on the coronavirus outbreak.
The team, consisting of Rep. Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-Ca), Rep. Chuck Schumer, (RTRD-NY), and Adam Schiff (RTRD, Ca), 'will report back on the seriousness of the threat and suggest steps to safeguard the U.S. and its allies.'
"I wanted our very best, top people on this - this thing is nothing to screw with. Very serious! Tweeted President Trump.
_______________________________
Democrats Question China Trip
In a sharply-worded statement released Monday, The DNC questioned the Trump administration's selection of investigators being sent to assess the coronavirus outbreak in China.
"Why are there no Republicans included in this trip? This appears to be yet another example of rank partisanship from the Executive Branch, especially considering the individuals chosen and their needed involvement in important issues at home."
Sources say the President will address Democrat concerns by appointing two Republicans to accompany the group - Senators Susan Collins (Maine), and Lisa Murkowski (Alaska).
Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca) API
| | |
| | |
Click retard!
